Messy, Fun, Christmas

I have a friend who is in ministry and did a talk on getting messy, and having it be ok. That God accepted our mess and chose to come anyway understanding we aren't perfect. That is what Jesus came to us for-to help us with our mess, to have our mess be ok! I love this picture!!!

I have struggled so much with perfection....to the point where I stopped living or even starting feeling defeated before I began. I was worried I wasn't good enough, I couldn't do it the way I saw it in my head so I just didn't. I used to own the original Nintendo...with Super Mario Brothers, Pac-man, Lion King Game, Tetris and the only game I really played was Tetris...and still love that game along with Soda Crush and my new addiction, Candy Crush. But the reason I never played the others...is because one time I had a neighbor-friend show me how to save the princess in Super Mario Brothers. When I tried to replicate his movements I found my hand-eye coordination could not make Mario jump when I wanted or run, so I could never get past the castle from 1.3. I gave up, and never tried to save the princess. Now and then I will try again on my WII, and show the kids how to do it, but still I feel defeated.

This year, my goal is to reclaim my fun by jumping in and trying....everything. I got 'Wreck this Journal' for christmas today. I looked through a few pages and almost started crying cause I was afraid to do what it said, to rip pages and play! I am afraid to play. I tell the kids I can't play cause I don't share very well, but the truth is I am afraid. I am afraid I will get too messy or ruin all the fun. I am afraid of so much that I just don't before I even try. By not playing though, I am missing the fun. I am missing a vital part of who I am. I am missing on trying to see what happens, on enjoying life.

Step 1-Play games with kids
Step 2-Play with 'Wreck this Journal'
Step 3-Have a food fight
Step 4-Play in the mud-go on a mud run
Step 5-Stomp in puddles
Step 6-Throw dirt
Step 7-Have a water fight
Step 8-Wreck something I care about
Step 9-Break a dish or vase
Step 10-Take a photo of each step and write about the experience

I do so solemnly promise to do my best to complete each task before the start of 2016. I will allow myself to cry, to feel, to be anxious about doing this, to have fun! Want to join me?? Tell me about it! Tell me how you play!

Happy Birthday to me!

Well, I am officially 36 today! Birthday's always seem to make one look back, but I have looked back so much I feel like if I look back any more, I may just get stuck there. I have been stuck there for a very long time...but I am free, victorious, and healing.

Therefore, I look to the future, what is to come, new traditions, and a new way of life. I have gone gluten free since about June or July, I think. Since I have found I can't have any gluten without getting very sick-headache for about an hour and a half, tummy issues, and this drugged feeling or what doctors call brain fog, lots of joint pain and my sugars probably go up a bit.

Adventuring in eating out is not so much fun, cause you don't know if they put flour in the gravy...or fry the potatoes in the same oil as the breaded chicken. Flour has become my enemy!!!

I have a new diabetes doctor, that has changed my medication, and I am feeling like a new woman the last two months. I have been able to stop taking metformin all together now. Jay got the elliptical working...and I have been getting on that twice a week when I am not working 10 hour days. Does the future bring more talk about my health?? Hopefully it gets better, no worse from here.

It is nice the kids are older...we were able to play dominos together for a whole hour tonight before the little one was done. They get into their shows and their own projects leaving Jay and I to cook and bake for a few hours at a time.

Jay and I have lots of projects for the house, and my thoughts and ambitions are so much larger than the time and energy I have to put into them. Over all I am happy...Happy for all the blessings I have this year to come, all the fun we get to have together, all the progress we get to make in our careers, with our finances, in parenting, with our health(spiritually, emotionally, and physically), It will be hard, I will cry, and we might fight, but every day will be worth it!

Happy December

 I have been able to put out all my christmas decorations out for the first time...EVER! We hosted our first Thanksgiving and are looking forward to hosting Christmas! We love our house....I have not one bad thing to say about our move. Cleaning is easier, life is easier, the kids are happier, I am getting more exercise, I have projects galore, our friends are not too far away, we are in a central location, and we have our whole life ahead of us.

 Work is busy...my busy is busy and I am feeling needed. My daughter is floundering in school, I was just talking to some friends tonight about what I need to do to help her. I am thinking I need to spend some time poping into the school this next year as I am not confident she is ready for Jr High. I am praying that wisdom and help in making sure she is ready is my high priority at this time. I don't know how non working parents do it, or other working parents, but I have to trust in the school and teachers to make sure my girl is learning all she needs to. Every parent teacher conference gives me news of how she is struggling, but  not how to fix it or give us steps to help her. I work some at home with her, but we can only do so much if the few hours we have together. 

Hope you have some good plans for this month...this is my busy time of year, so much to do!!

Be Gentle- Self!

This week was the most stressfull week I have had in a long time. Today, I was looking foward to getting to this box that is over a week behind. I found out about a case that was rejected with no one contacting me about it, and ended up sending an email to all of the managers in the department it belongs...venting my frustration, only to learn that the customer had messed with his account and the account was not ready so the rejection was justified. After work as well as while I was cooking dinner, I was beating myself up. Why??

I was justified in my frustration over my case being rejected...and so was the person who rejected the case. Just like the person, they did the best they could with the information presented to them, as I was with the information presented to me. I am justified in my frustration of not being able to get to work that is really behind, but I handled over 50 emails today. I sent the reports ontime and got orders out that were vital before the weekend. I took phone calls, made calls, and was able to meet and exceed expectations. I did the best I could...so why am I beating myself up??? People at work are coming to me for advise, complementing me...and making me blush! So I asked myself tonight...Why is it that I am not letting it go??

Well I had gone to God to help me understand...I went to my hubby...so where else do I turn?? Oh, google of course!! Low and behold...there was my answer; http://www.essential-practices.com/gentle.html (click the link) 

I am addicted to beating myself up. Just like a drug or alcohol addiction I am addicted to self deprecation. If I want to grow and attrack all that I want in life, I need to learn self validation not deprecation!!! Easy to say...hard to do for someone who has been doing it since she was tiny. I can't tell you where I learned it from or why I learn it, but somewhere somehow I learned the art of taking the blame for everything. 

There was a school shooting today, and I didn't know anyone involved, but I know people that have been affected by it. Breaks my heart...but I found as I go back in my head over the day that I probably was blaming myself for that too somehow. I was in the mode and I became an easy target as I was so focused on fixing and damage control that I wasn't taking those thoughts captive and setting boundaries up. If you read the whole artical, it is kinda long...it goes on to talk about how it is killing me. How this process stops me from being able to sleep, digest, and process putting me in a fight or flight response. 

I don't want to die from beating myself up over these little things. So the answer...write it out. It helps to write out how I feel, and work through it. If you read this regulary you see that happen over and over again as I grow. I don't really care what you think as long as it makes you think of how you handle things in your own world. Joyce Meyer talks about the battlefield of the mind. This battle is just as intense as taking a drink for an alcoholic. 

Self, you did a good job today! You worked hard, you overcame obsticals, you pointed out areas of opportunity, and didn't walk away. You were on time, you communicated and now it is time to put those things aside, and hug your family. Enjoy your kids, your house, and all that God as provided you. Pray for those who may be struggling with the same things you are, and let God have it!!

The good ol' days

What is the definition of the good of' days for you?? Recently my High school years have come up more and more in conversation. I don't think I talk about my high school years very much. For most people high school and college years are the best time of people's lives...they look back on those years with fond happy memories.

As we may have established in previous posts...I am special. My high school years were hard. When I was 14 my dad was really manic and my mom was really scared of my dad. Mom and I moved into an apartment...Eagle Point Apartments. At that time I was feeling as though it was good new chapter for me. It started out that way. I went to a new school met new friends and a boyfriend.

We fell in love, that first love kinda feeling. I couldn't eat couldn't sleep, wanted to be with him all the time. The first time a boy treated me nice!! I had Bo's in jr. High....there was Justin, Jeremy, and Aiden. I was also rapped in jr. High....but the boy who did it bragged to the whole school that I was just a slut so it was a very bad situation for me. Shortly after the rap, I had some stomach issus and had my appendix out as well as a huge cyst. I was out of school for like a month...to come back to all the rumors, so going to another school was a good thing for me too. However, having a boyfriend proved to be a little nerve wracking.

                                                

He proved to be a bad news bear for me. He taught me to smoke, and we were really close. He ended up moving to FL for my Sophmore year and called me to let me know he got a girl pregnant. I was over him after that call. I worked and was going to school, helping mom pay for the bills. Then he came back the summer before my Jr year of High School, and I was under his spell. I overlooked all the cracks I had experienced and felt and took him back. However, after a few months he hooked up with my best friend at the time. The day he told me there was an affair going on he went in and made out with her in front of me.

I lost it. The insanty and pain from loosing my dad, him, my mom to some degree. The stress of all that had happened to me to this point in my life made me crack, and I literally lost my mind. If it was not for Tiffany...I don't think I would have been able to make it through the night. I broke that day.

After that time, I looked for love in all the wrong places....and got involved with a Cowboy Gang called the CCC. The basis of the CCC was/is horrible and I am ashamend I was part of it even in some small way. I thrust all that I was in to God's hands and started working at Miracle Ranch Alot...it became my sancuary, my escape. I went to college while in High School, which is common now, but a new concept in those years. I got most of my AA and experienced a new group of people getting me away from the old group of people that I lost myself too.

The good ol' days are not so good for me. Today I am the happiest I have ever been. I am finally secure, emotionally and physically in life...with my one and last partner... my hubby in the best years of my life!!
                                                 

Happiness

Our first night in the new house!!!

Our first week has been like a dream come true. I was driving home from a birthday party today, thinking there was something wrong with me. Maybe I needed something, nope. Maybe I was hoping for something, nope. Then I realized, it was a feeling I haven't experienced in a very long time, happiness. 

Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.^[1] A variety of biological, psychological, religious, and philosophical approaches have striven to define happiness and identify its sources. Various research groups, including positive psychology, endeavor to apply the scientific method to answer questions about what "happiness" is, and how it might be attained.

I feel so blessed and content. My kids seem like they don't annoy me as much, my hubby is the best thing since slice bread! I get to decorate, Pinterest, run up and down my stairs, plan parties, have people over, and relax.

The hard work, and patience to wait for what God had in store for us was sooo worth this! This unspeakable blessing I could not have picked...cause I didn't even pick it. God did!!!

My Summer...One Anxious night of writing.

I haven't had a night like this in a very long time. I am anxious, excited, nervous, a bit stressed, thinking, analyzing, calculating...and I have to go to work in the morning and do it for someone else. I remember I used to have these nights a lot. I can't even count them...where I just couldn't say enough about all that I was processing. I think it is good I don't have these nights very often. Lord knows I do much better when I sleep.

All summer we have been working on buying our house. I say buying, but it feels more like a gift, and not something that would have any value to anyone else than my family or more specifically, me. How can I say all the emotions about a silly house that I have??? Well, as my favorite nanny would sing...'Lets start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.'

My mom, dad and I moved out to Burien WA the summer of 1979, my dad had been told that Boeing was hiring massive labor. We rented a two bedroom house I called the Red House. I liked the house..we had a litter of kittens just after my baby sister was born. I was in charge if the little buggers cause mom could not get a round very easily for some time. The landlord was selling, and that meant we were out. We moved into a two bedroom apartment called Seahurst Mannor on the third floor as most of my parents friends lived there and we all went to the same church. After my sister died...I couldn't sleep in my room. The trauma was too much and every time I went in there I saw my dead sister. That is when we moved to the yellow house on Occidental Ave. It wasn't the house I wanted or dreamed of but it was bigger than the apartment and suited us for a time. We even had a wedding there, but I don't remember who's. My dad got transferred and the church we had been apart of was done, so we moved to Kent, and another yellow house. It was a nice house...it is the house I dream and think about when I am homesick, in many ways it was my house. Then when my parent divorced, dad got the house and mom and I moved to an apartment in Renton, we moved before I graduated to Kent...then I went back to Bozeman for a year of school before I moved to Spokane for a year, then went back to WA where I lived in Mukilteo and started to grow some roots. I have lived in or around Mukilteo, and Bothell till 2005. Jay and I then moved to Sutherlin OR with our little baby girl for two years when we quickly and quietly left to stay in Seattle for a year before moving the apartment we now live in, and have for the last 6 years. That is 18 different homes through out my life, moving about every two years throughout my school years.

Today we were approved to purchase our home. My first home that I own, in my name and hubbies of course. I wrote in a previous post what we have gone through to get to this point...you can read it when or if you want later. http://katshel.blogspot.com/2014/06/house-hunt-2014.html

The emotions I feel over this right now is hard to put in words....I dreamed of a two story house my whole life...with a backyard close to a school and a park. It is MY forever house, a gift I don't deserve from my sweet heavenly Father. Yet as I write this with tears streaming down my face, I get a picture that this is what God had been planning for me to have for a very long time. Something that I couldn't have till I was ready for the responsibility. 'With great power, comes great responsibility'.Tonight I think it is the other way around. God equips the chosen and empowers those who choose to take up the responsibility they are awarded.

We have had a couple tension filled days this week as things come together. I feel the prayers of those around me as we prepare to move and coordinate all the logistics, with a sense of peace that passes all understanding. The seller of the house is grateful our family gets to enjoy the house...our friends and family that have come accustom to our presence in the little postage stamp apartment are sad to see us go, but joyful at our new beginnings right along with us. I feel we are under God's guiding hand....I am not scared or fearful. I am hopeful...well most of the time. The old tapes start now and then with doubt and when something bad happens, I throw in the towel and give up my dream. Then I get a sweet gentle reminder that if I just Trust in Him and Him alone, the picture is redrawn on my heart and I am able to hope again. The desires of my heart that burn with hope and longing will come to pass before I know it.

My job right now is to live day to day and take each moment as it comes and concentrate on what is in my wheel house to do for the time. Harder to do than to say...but that also means I need to sleep now as I have about 5 hours before my responsibilities are reset. School is back on, lunches need to be made, dinners need to be cooked, things need not be forgotten, commitments to set. And with each moment I trust in my Lord, the author and perfecter of my faith.

It is all about ME!!!!!

Why is it that when I am hurting....people can't cope. They feel they either have to fix me...blame someone or pity me....but they don't stop till I smile at them. Why???? Why am I not allowed to be hurt, mad, sad, angry...and all the other negative emotions??? I don't get it. I coach people that hurting people hurt people....so when I get hurt they are all surprised that I hurt them!! What!?!?!

 Today I got hurt. I jumped to conclusions and my feelings were damaged. My husband did an excellent job lovingly encouraging me and giving me time to process. Currently I am not at home with the kids and hubby, but sitting on the beach writing out my pain...as this is how I process...watching the sunset on the water. There is a lady getting prego shots in the water complaining it is too cold.

Anyway...I diverge from talking about myself...where was I? Oh yes....my hurt feelings. Somehow as I expressed my hurt feelings the person who hurt me, they got the idea to tell me and expressed how I hurt them....and I found myself apologizing to them. WHat!?! Yes, somehow....it wasn't about me and how my feelings were hurt it was all of a sudden about them....so I found myself apologizing to the person who hurt me instead of them apologizing to me. This is not the first time this has happened.

?????

My co-workers tell me I am the most kind person they have ever met. That I am gracious...and 'one of the good ones!' When I get mad at my co workers or the business or whatever....they laugh and say, 'go get em Kat'! Once they asked me for my worst insult.....you stupid gross mean person you is all I could come up with. I have actually said this to a customer after being totally verbal abused.  So negative emotions are not my norm. I get the impression that I am so nice I am like a rich chocolate piece of cake....too much of me and you get an icky stomach. Take me in small portions and you will learn something about yourself and about me. I find the good in everyone.

So what am I missing?? Am I a doormat? A pushover? I know I am a people pleaser, and I care too much about things. So I tried to enact the I DON'T CARE attitude this week too. What I am finding is the more I say that I don't care, I find I am passionate about whatever it is.

Maybe it is about Psalms 18: 24-27??? 'The Lord rewarded me for doing right. He has seen my innocence. To the faithful you show yourself pure. but the the crooked you show yourself shrewd. you rescue the humble, but you humiliate the proud.'

Maybe it is none of this and I am just crazy...this is possible. The end of the conversation was this...I just hurt myself...I could have asked before I took offense. I could have let it roll off and figured that is just the way this person is. I could have done alot of different things other than crying about this situation all day...but I didn't!!!

Nope...per Romans 9:20-22----I am who God has made me...that is that.---thank you Romans 9:20-22

'No, don't say that. Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, "Why have you made me like this?" When a potter makes jars out of clay, doesn't he have the right to use the same lump of clay to make one jay for decoration and another to throw garbage into? In the same way, even though God has the right to show his anger and his power, he is very patient with those on whom his anger falls, who are destines for destruction.'

Thanks for letting me work through my emotions...read...don't...IDC hahahah I am tired of being upset.

A time for Everything

Have you ever found a friend walk away or your partner yell at you for being rude, or a perfect stranger look at you randomly like you were a crazy person, and you have no idea why or what just happened that would cause these reactions??

That has been happening to me more and more lately. I don't know if it is a shift in my perception or that of everyone else. Since more than one person around me has this reaction...I believe it is me, but I don't know!

I posted before about how people have told me I am rude or self centered. See the following:
http://katshel.blogspot.com/2013/07/question-of-day.html

I have also talked about not caring what other people think of me.
http://katshel.blogspot.com/2013/10/what-other-people-think.html

Today I am struggling with not caring how other people see me. Today I am sad that I may have lost not only one friend but a few others, and I have no idea why. I am sad that my husband finds my truth that I speak out as rude. I am sad that I may not be teaching my kids the correct politically correct thing to say. I am not writing this all out to find a magic fix or entertain you...ok maybe to entertain you a little, but I write this to in hopes of finding someone who relates to me.

I am a white middle class lady, who doesn't have it all, but is not on the street either. I am blonde hair blue eyed, and overweight. I am stereo typical, average. I don't stick out of the crowd too much, but tend to lead and be a trend setter in my own group. I have been labeled a typical blonde who is oblivious to most things, I don't get all the blonde jokes straight away, but I do have a knack at learning quickly, being efficient and saying it how it is. I don't wear a face mask...what you see is what you get.

That all being said, the battle over my mouth is still real and present. The struggle with viewing my actions through others peoples eyes while I am acting or speaking is beyond me. I have determined over and over again that if you have a problem with me it is not my fault...it is yours. However, that mentality. That thought process, still leads me to a place of sadness when I loose a friend, due to their own issues with me that they don't feel comfortable sharing. The pain of isolation due to the words I speak or the actions I complete that I think are kind, necessary, or needed doesn't go away.

I am a people pleaser...I want to make people happy, I want people to like me for who I am...I want closeness, and realness with people. I want to love people where they are at....even if that means they don't want me in their life anymore. I pray today for forgiveness, for healing, for growth, for judgements of others to ease, and love to endure. I pray for grace and peace that passes all understanding, and a hope in a future that is beyond my imagination.

Jeremiah 29:11 and Ecclesiastes 3

My past Meets my Future

I have talked alot about my past in this blog and hope to one day put it all together and make into that best selling novel that never was.

I have talked about my sister in; http://katshel.blogspot.com/2013/01/my-sister.html. The church I grew up in; http://katshel.blogspot.com/2013/01/new-year-looking-backway-back.html. Abuse; http://katshel.blogspot.com/2013/05/not-fun-topic-abuse.html and some of the reasons for my weight issues that stem from the abuse; http://katshel.blogspot.com/2013/02/foodweight-issues.html.

This last week I had the opportunity to share with a friend, and found in the aftermath that the adversities my hubby and I face are quite significant. I am going to attempt to tie it altogether for you, and hopefully give you a picture of my perspective.

Last night as I lay my head down to go to sleep we started this episode; Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman-Is poverty Genetic? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pP4ihwmY-DQ

The bible also talks about the sin of our fathers will be passed to the children in Deuteronomy 5:9. Why? Well, if you teach and model sin to your kids, they will also sin and it goes on and on. Just like in the study of poverty being genetic...we pass down what we don't know as well as what we do know.

When I was in my 20's I was so angry with my parents as I blamed them for screwing me up. I think most people in their 20's go through this stage as you transition into full fledge adultism. Part of it could be the sins of my fathers, but part is how he grew up and how his father grew up and so forth. There is a reason the bible is filled with genealogies dating back to Adam and Eve. There is something that stirs us to find out about where we come from...there is a website now and there was once a show on tracking down your roots....you can google it.

Hubby and I come from divorced homes, and we saw all the fighting, and turmoil from two people who couldn't figure out how to love each other. We saw sin in our formative years, and I have trama from my childhood with bouts of PTSD from what I have seen and heard and lived through. It is only by God's unlimited Grace that I am not addicted to anything, in jail, on the street, and have a great job, with a husband who has been through the same things, and experienced the same Grace.

Our lives right now, is a giant experiment on a grand scale to see if we can raise two kids that love the Lord and can grow up with more happy memories than painful ones. If they can finish college and be in a higher financial class than we were able to achieve...to live the American Dream: "a set of ideals in which freedom includes the opportunity for prosperity and success, and an upward social mobility achieved through hard work." When hubby and I were married, God gave us a word that our marriage, and that of his sister was the Generational Sin Breaking Marriage. See all of our parents, and grandparents and so forth have suffered through divorce and remarriage. The fracturing of family after family has been passed down.

My job, my hope, my life is to bring peace, and wholeness to my family. My past and my hubbies past have to be reference points to learn from as we discover the Grace that God has for us and our kids. Hubby and I have mountains of adversity to overcome as we walk through life together, we are survivors, victors, and by Grace we have been saved.

House Hunt 2014

Here's a story of a lovely lady...who has been dreaming of the most perfect house. (and yes, I have the tune to the Brady Bunch running through my head now.)

I have wanted a house since 2005, just after my daughter was born. Instead of buying a house though, I supported my husband and packed up our apartment and moved to the middle of no-where, Sutherlin OR. While there we spent our little nest egg I had been saving on living while we waited for the business to start....when we ran out of savings we got credit cards, and when we ran out of credit we got help from the state, and we found jobs. I worked part-time and hubby worked for a plumbing company, then a cabinet making company. We made $16 more than what would qualify us for assisted living with the state. We were renting and couldn't pay the rent, when we were just about bankrupt, we decided to go back home to Seattle.

For a year we lived in a very weird state with my mom's now ex-husband #2. Still wishing and dreaming of a house, I found it. The carpet, the architecture, the paint, the yard, with an art studio, a one car garage with a full work area for hubby, and a wine cellar. It was a $700,000 house...and we had no credit or $$. I fasted and prayed for that house, begging God for it.

It came time where we had enough money and stability to move out, so we started looking for apartments and found the place we would call home for a while...the same place we have been at for the last 6 years. God has the perfect sense of humor and the paint color, carpet, and layout was very similar to my dream house...hahaha very funny God! However, my longing for a house never stopped.

About three years ago we made friends with a couple who shared a fire with us while camping and learned we had lots in common. She happened to be a real estate agent. I was ecstatic! I contacted her and got us set up to get preapproved for a mortgage...we didn't get approved for very much especially just after the house bust. We trucked on though, looking at house after house and biding to find we were out bid and needed a min of $10,000 to be able to put down on something. Very discouraged, I gave up...and as the song says...Let it Go!

A year or so later a friend encouraged me to look again, and she wanted to go look at some open houses. I got jazzed after looking at house after house, and met a real estate agent who said I didn't need $10,000 to get a house, just have to do it the right way. I got his name and number and followed up with him a week or so later. He came over and met the hubby and we got preapproved again with a bit more than last time and started looking...we put offers on 5 houses to be out bid every time. We have been asked to just get gift money from family-who does that? We did ask and got a good egg, but not $10,000.

We finally got an offer in and a week later learned the guy we were working with got fired from the agency...he said it was because he was entertaining offers from another agency and they made it easier for him to decide who to go with, but something didn't smell right. We contacted a friend at church that had entertained us talking about getting a house before we met our firepit friend. He helped us make sure we legally got out of the offer that the other guy had started and the contract we had signed with the agency...got us preapproved again...this time we were told we needed to raise our credit score by 20 points. That is where we are at today...waiting for our credit score to change.

In the mean time hubby and I are waiting to hear back on promotions we applied for at our perspective companies. Our lease expires in October and I am praying that we can get a house before the summer is over so we can get the kids settled in school for the year.

I am loosing hope that we will get a house...like ever. During this process hubby and I talked about the last time we lived in an owned house. Turns out it was 13 for me and 15 for him before our parents divorced and hubby had to live with his dad. Apartment living is temporary....renting is temporary...someday I want to be a permanent, solid, a go to gal, a HomeOwner!

I wrote this on 6/24/214...about a week or so later we got a list of houses that we qualified for and bid on one before even looking at it in person. For the first time we went into mutual! Then we looked at the house. I have to say that if I had looked at it before we placed the bid, I would not have gone for it. I think God knew this. We got the inspections, and signed papers Aug 1st. Everything is going through smoothly and looks like we will close and move by Sept 20th! We are all so excited for this new adventure. 

I'm not Dead Yet!

Do you remember this line from Monty Python and the Holy Grail?? I love that line and use it as often as I can.

Here is a short clip>>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGFXGwHsD_A<<

This is our first week of vacation together in over 2 years due to hubby's career changes. As the saying goes, you get time but not money, or money and not time, but never the two shall meet. While we have been trucking along day after day...I find myself saying, 'Im not dead yet'! It helps to bring humor to the doldrum days that continue over and over like the movie Ground Hog Day.

This week of off time, we are staying up late and getting up to get our oldest off to school for the last week of school. Connecting with family and friends as well as finding some fun cheap adventures. 

From March to Present we have been all consumed with House Hunt 2014. More on that another time. 

I am glad 'Im not dead yet' and get to hang on for more of life's adventures. Stay tuned...

Take Captive Every Thought

I am studying 2 Corinthians 10 tonight. After a great discussion with hubby...I shared my philosophy on my own frustrations and how I respond.

For years now I have struggled with reacting vs responding. What is the difference?

React: to behave or change in a particular way when something happens, is said, etc.
Respond: say something in reply.

2 Corinthians 10 is titled Paul's Defense of his Ministry. My question is, why did he feel he had to defend his ministry?? Maybe because he was reacting instead of responding...maybe something else?

After studying all that Paul wrote in the bible, I have a sneaking suspicion he did not like conflict. I don't like conflict.  "I, Paul, who am “timid” when face to face with you, but “bold” toward you when away!" I can relate to this. I like to write cause I can express my thoughts and opinions on paper/computer more than I can in person. I am able to take the time for formulate what I want to say much more concise and with more detail than I can having a conversation.

5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

This verse is key. Paul clearly understands that what comes out of your mouth starts as a thought. Joyce Meyer wrote a whole book about taking captive thoughts >http://www.joycemeyer.org/ProductDetail.aspx?id=007076< I have been working for the last couple years to take my thoughts captive and trust God more and more every day. Some days I do well and others not so...but every day I try again. The more I better I do the more positive I become and the little things in life that used to make me so crazy upset don't even get to me.

No emotion in Business

Just when I think I am on the way to getting healthier emotionally....an emotional bruise is pushed.

Sometimes I like my heart open to learn. Today's lesson is when you respond emotionally from an emotional place more emotions mis-interpreted are bound to come in return. I responded to a friend's pain in what I had thought was a sweet way to ease the pain she was feeling...pain that I relate to very well. What I learned is...the way I asked was very passive aggressive. So in many ways I responded to what happened to my friend as if it happened to me. No one asked me to respond...I didn't need to fix it or do anything. I just needed to empathize and let it go for her to deal with.

This is the first week after my graduation from my year and a half course of 'Learn To Let Go and Grow.' I am excited to write and digest what I have learned.

Marriage...Love & Respect

Hubby and I are taking the class at church...NVIEW.ORG Last night was only the second one, but there were so many points and insights. We have been married going on 12 years as of Aug 2014. We have both struggled with this thing called marriage.

I don't understand why it is such a struggle. I feel like he is my world, my everything, I would be lost with out him. I feel like I can't express that enough, and have it be received as how I really feel.

I express how I love to people with gifts and acts of service...favorite Ice Cream, A picture on FB, Making cookies, doing laundry, doing dishes, cleaning, finding that treasure in the store that makes me think of that person.

I receive love with words of affirmation, and when people give me gifts that really took effort and thought to give.

On our first week of marriage, I read the 5 Love Languages to my hubby...I  was so encouraged and eager to have a great relationship, I sped along leaving my spouse in the wake of my discovery. I am a working mom, that needs to work, not to financially survive but to emotionally survive. My history of hurt and inconsistencies as a child have changed my core character to need the structure and validation of my effort on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. I don't handle life well without the constant validation. In so many ways I am addicted to it. I need to know that I am doing well, because my self talk is so dark. Little by little, day by day as I take captive the negativity I get stronger.

As a strong willed woman I pray I can submit long enough and well enough to not push us both into oncoming traffic. I love my man!

I hope I don't run out of TIME....and I can learn to let go and enjoy my life! I will keep working on loving and respecting, one day at a time. 

Diabetes

Since Dec I have been diagnosed with Type II diabetes. I have been taking medication to help my sugars, changed my diet and started exercising more. I have met with Dietitians, Diabetic Nurse, and of course the Doc.

I kept it quiet for a long time. Not wanting people to judge me on my food choices or lifestyle choices. However, it is more than that.

>> http://katshel.blogspot.com/2013/02/foodweight-issues.html<< 

I have now told my story of abuse with food and exercise over and over so the emotion isn't there anymore. I feel like I have forgiven the person that abused me in that way, but now I am forced to lose the weight. I was told once that if you don't control yourself, you will eventually be forced to stay in control.

There are so many aspects to this issue as well. My kids are one-they want to know what is wrong with mom. Why mom isn't eating the same thing they are. Rachel had a nutritionist at her school and came home talking about it. She made mention for her perspective what I can and can't eat. I have many friends at work that also have Type II. If I ask a single question, they feel it is fair game to start telling me exactly what I should be eating, doing, medications, and other advice.

I told my mom, who acted weird around me for awhile. Asking what I can and can't eat, why this would happen if it was a genetic thing. I haven't been brave enough to tell my dad or step-mom yet. When I told my sister-in-law last weekend, and cousin, they were super understanding.

Since Dec I have lost almost 10 lbs. The nutritionist said today that I am doing really good choosing the right foods, just have to add the exercise portion to it. I am also working on the emotional side of things.

"Good fruit cannot come from continuing anything due to guilt, shame, or fear." Jones-Let-Go 193

Happy New Year!! 2014

I am so glad to say goodbye to 2013. It was a big year for trusting the Lord for BIG things.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.


Hubby took a chance and went to a new company to invest in his
career. He was hired from his contracting job just in time to be
paid for the holidays.

What does that mean for me and the family? Tons!!!! For the first time in our marriage, hubby is taking the finances, making more than me and has bennies for us. I am now free to enjoy work, do what I can to be the helpmate...but not the main-mate! The pressure is off of me. Praise Jesus!!

We have more to trust for this new year. Paying off debt, get a new car, a family vacation to make memories with the kids. I am trusting the Lord for my health...as I have a few hurdles to jump in that department. We are trusting Rachel starts being able to focus in school and stay in the main stream. We are trusting for the right pre-school for Owen.

I told a friend this last week, I have a lot in God's inbox. I trust that He will make the path straight and allow me the joy of the ride.

What are you trusting God for this new year? A house? Health for loved ones? Health for yourself?

Last year, I let go of the past. This year I am looking to the future....and just allow the past to be a reference point of the lessons learned.