My childhood was rough. I found my sister had gone to be
with Jesus when I was five. I became an instant traumatized mini-adult. My dad
was an unmedicated bipolar depressant for the first 14 years of my life. My
parents were divorced after my dad’s second attempted suicide. By the time I
was 10 I was working, babysitting, cleaning, doing what I could to make a buck.
I was a lock-key kid in the 80’s, which means that at from the age of 9 I was
responsible for getting to school and home with no supervision. After my parents
divorce I took care of my mom as we both healed from the abuse by my dad. I
worked through Highschool and went to Montana State U for a year to escape both
my mom and dad.
After a year of working three jobs, going to college, I
couldn’t sustain the life in Montana. I really wanted a healthy relationship
with my dad and since he was medicated, and seemed stable I packed up
everything in my car, and my dad helped me move to Spokane eventually moving in
with him and my step mom to try and cultivate a relationship. The abuse from my
childhood ensued as a young adult, but despite this I graduated with an AA
while working fulltime.
I met my husband in 2001. 911 happened, and we decided since
the world was coming to an end we would start a world of our own. We got
married Aug 2002. Things between us were rough. He hadn’t paid bills for two
years or taxes, but I thought I could rescue him…and so I did. The abuse I had
experienced with my dad, set me up to find the man I married. He was abusive,
he had a felony from his teenage years which impacted our life from the very
beginning. I was convinced though that he was different, I was in love. Since
his parents were divorced and my parents were divorced and all had remarried,
we were determined that the faith we had in God would help us change our story.
My dad told me over and over that if you don’t know your
history you are bound to repeat it. I was determined not to have the history
our parents went through repeat in our marriage. With this mindset I endured
the abuse. I thought if we just had a baby he will be better. If we moved to OR
and started a new life he would be better. When OR didn’t work out and we were
just about bankrupt I thought we just needed to move home and he will be
better. When we moved back to WA the felony was really affecting the goals in
our life so with the help of a lawyer an amazing miracle happened and he was
released so we could rent an apartment. This made things better for a while. Our
baby was five years old and the clock was ticking to have a second baby, my
husband’s hours were cut at work for two years in a row during the holidays,
the abuse was continued. I thought another baby would help, but while pregnant
he got worse not better.
A year after my youngest was born things were really bad, I
should have left then looking back. I was in a two bedroom apartment with an
older child and a baby, and it seemed history was repeating itself despite the
work I had done. I dove into building my faith, worked on me. I went to
counseling, scheduled marriage counseling, became a ministry leader at church,
a girlscout troop leader, all while working full time. The abuse continued. We
hired my mom when our youngest was 5 months old as our mama/nanny who was
healing from her second divorce. The last thing on my list was to get a house.
I thought if we had the security of the house, our life would be complete. He
was getting promotions at work and was even offered a job with higher pay than
he had ever gotten to date. It took 3 years, 3 realitors, and in 9/2014 we
bought the house in Monroe. After moving every two years in my childhood I was
in a place for the first time in my life to provide security to my children
that I didn’t have as a child. Joy and relief filled my heart with our home
purchase.
I had tried to get into the Monroe Club in 2014, but there
was a waiting list and our little one needed preschool, so Kiddy Korner worked
best while we transitioned the kids to full time daycare verse having my mom
all the time. In April 2015 my mom moved to Minnasota to help my grandfather
with his farm, but a week before she was set to leave, he went to be with
Jesus. This was a hard lose for me, my mom, and the kids. We were leaving each
other after 5 years of being so close. The abuse from my husband continued.
I tried to focus on making new friends and creating roots in
our community. The abuse came to an all time high. This is hard for me to
share, but maybe just one person can relate tonight. Aug 2015 I learned we were
two months behind on the mortgage, and were just about to have our utilities
shut off. This fear came with the option of a new Job for him in Seattle, which
ment a longer commute and more time away from the family. In Sept 2015 he hit
me, but not for the first time. Oct 2015 He posted unauthorized pictures of me
on the internet, and by Nov he had a girlfriend. In Dec money went missing and
time with him was few and far between. The lies were being revealed one at a
time. In Jan I was assaulted. Two days later in a storm of yelling, and screaming
he left. The next day he wanted to come back. I had two pastors from Cascade
Community Church come with him to negotiate terms for him to live in the house we
decided to try and just sleep in different rooms. This lasted 5 days, and on
the sixth, the fear that had been building was too much to bear. I was a mess.
I didn’t go to work that day and instead met with a counselor, who specializes
in PTSD and abuse. She gave me the courage to end the marriage, leave and I got
legal protection. By Feb 2016 he had
filed for divorce, and we worked out a temporary parenting plan, but without a
division of debt I was left with the bills.
By March child support started, and we tried to negotiate
child care expenses. Our oldest had outgrown Kiddy Korner and since our
youngest was in school we needed before and after school care only. I thought
about what it was like for me to be a lock-keyed kid so having the kids with no
supervision was not/is not a viable option. After months of negotiating it was
agreed that the Monroe club would be the best fit. We started June 2016, and
the kids instantly loved it. The transition was easy. The staff has been so
professional, welcoming and positive. The kids and I have received the support
needed to find a new normal again. The divorce is final, and I was able to file
bankruptcy to keep the house. There has been a lot of relief in the last two
months.
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