A time for Everything

Have you ever found a friend walk away or your partner yell at you for being rude, or a perfect stranger look at you randomly like you were a crazy person, and you have no idea why or what just happened that would cause these reactions??

That has been happening to me more and more lately. I don't know if it is a shift in my perception or that of everyone else. Since more than one person around me has this reaction...I believe it is me, but I don't know!

I posted before about how people have told me I am rude or self centered. See the following:
http://katshel.blogspot.com/2013/07/question-of-day.html

I have also talked about not caring what other people think of me.
http://katshel.blogspot.com/2013/10/what-other-people-think.html

Today I am struggling with not caring how other people see me. Today I am sad that I may have lost not only one friend but a few others, and I have no idea why. I am sad that my husband finds my truth that I speak out as rude. I am sad that I may not be teaching my kids the correct politically correct thing to say. I am not writing this all out to find a magic fix or entertain you...ok maybe to entertain you a little, but I write this to in hopes of finding someone who relates to me.

I am a white middle class lady, who doesn't have it all, but is not on the street either. I am blonde hair blue eyed, and overweight. I am stereo typical, average. I don't stick out of the crowd too much, but tend to lead and be a trend setter in my own group. I have been labeled a typical blonde who is oblivious to most things, I don't get all the blonde jokes straight away, but I do have a knack at learning quickly, being efficient and saying it how it is. I don't wear a face mask...what you see is what you get.

That all being said, the battle over my mouth is still real and present. The struggle with viewing my actions through others peoples eyes while I am acting or speaking is beyond me. I have determined over and over again that if you have a problem with me it is not my fault...it is yours. However, that mentality. That thought process, still leads me to a place of sadness when I loose a friend, due to their own issues with me that they don't feel comfortable sharing. The pain of isolation due to the words I speak or the actions I complete that I think are kind, necessary, or needed doesn't go away.

I am a people pleaser...I want to make people happy, I want people to like me for who I am...I want closeness, and realness with people. I want to love people where they are at....even if that means they don't want me in their life anymore. I pray today for forgiveness, for healing, for growth, for judgements of others to ease, and love to endure. I pray for grace and peace that passes all understanding, and a hope in a future that is beyond my imagination.

Jeremiah 29:11 and Ecclesiastes 3