Children of God

Ann Rice, "If you believe God made the world around you...If you believe God made Satan. All Satan's power comes from God. And that Satan is simply God's child and we are simply all God's children. Are there gradations of evil? There are great degrees of goodness, wouldn't there be degrees of evil? How does one fall from grace? Do you merely have to miss mass on Sunday, steal a loaf of bread, sleep with the neighbors wife? If evil is without gradation, then only one sin is needed. I don't know if God exists, for all I know He doesn't exist, then no sin matters. If God does not exist then we are the highest level of consciousness in the universe. We understand the passage of time and the value of human life, so the greatest evil is to take that time away from another.'

I am struggling with this logic. If I believe God made Satan then all Satan's power comes from God which makes sin or evil not matter. It makes Jesus irrelevant as we don't need sanctification of sin as it all comes from God. This then makes religion only needed for a common goal or purpose. Like the way Socrates describes religion in the Republic.

I try and link the knowledge of good and evil to fill the need I have to have a personal relationship with God. The ability to see what is good and what is not. If we separate Good and Evil in all it's degrees there within expounding over and over from one generation to the next then we find a need for sanctification. We see that we are helpless to keep ourselves from evil, and therefore the sanctification of sin is very much needed. But I ask myself if that is true evil or my understanding based on pure personal experience?

Lets expound on the logic here a bit. If the greatest evil is to take time away from another what does that look like? Well killing someone takes time away. We can distract someone relationally by committing time and energy into one person and not allowing each other to experience other relationships. Slavery takes time from another person as they are forced to bend to the will of another with their time which means indentured servitude is also in that list of evil. How about today? There are some forms of slavery and indentured servitude like; work, technology, chores....does that mean everything we do in action is evil? It could be argued as such. But, no I don't think all forms of action are evil. This means Hitler was the ultimate evil, however from a different perspective he was trying to rid the world of evil...this is the same as what the christian crusades set out to do. We therefore need to know if the Source (God) can be both good and evil. Considering the Bible states that He made the tree of knowledge...was that just knowledge or specifically the knowledge of Good and Evil?

I watched this video, and it totally hit home: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0A_iF1B3k0&app=desktop

The only other thing that separates my God from that of the others is Free Will and Grace. Are these concepts just theoreticians based on flawed logic? Can we use logic to define or prove there is a God?

I believe there has to be a logical way to prove God, I just haven't found it yet. I may never find it, but I will also not stop looking for it. I have felt what I understand to be God in situations and times in my life when there is no explanation. I needed God to make it through trauma and situations growing up. I needed the support of the community I found in church that all had a single focus of God and the difference He makes in life. I still need the community of believers that pray with me through good days and bad. I need the fellowship of people that I know I can count on and that they know they can count on me.

 If nothing else it gives us all something to think about, ponder, take apart and analyze. Maybe you can see through this line of logic and provide insight I may be missing. I welcome all questions comments and insights.

Etiquette

My Grandma Greta was born in Norway and died in 2005 here in the US. Greta was the classiest lady I had ever had the pleasure of knowing. My grandma could work a room and have everyone fall in love with her within the first 20 min she entered. She would float from here to there, seeming to have the same conversation, but with each person she would pick one thing to compliment, extol in them, ask about, or engage. Greta made coffee like know ones business, she was the coffee queen. Greta baked and cooked, she could serve hundreds or just a few, but the plate was always pretty. Nothing seemed to be an effort for her, and she always had such poise and grace.

My Grandma taught me how to eat properly, when one hand in your lap. How to set a table, how to eat something you hated and not let anyone know your true feelings of the meal. My grandma taught me what it looked like to be a true lady. Not to let all the credit go to her, my mom reinforced the lessons and my step mom drilled them for a solid foundation of Etiquette.

Etiquette - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Etiquette

Wikipedia

Etiquette (/ˈɛtɨkɛt/ or /ˈɛtɨkɪt/, French: [e.ti.kɛt]) is a code of behavior that delineates expectations for social behavior according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class, or group.

This day in age, I am afraid this is a lost art form. A lost code or language that may never be extolled to the grandeur it was back in the day. The movie 'Mona Lisa's Smile' depicts some of the Etiquette expected from women for women by women.

I found out on Facebook a family member died Friday. Someone I had known my whole life. I have not been very close with this person during my lifetime, but they were family. Finding out on FACEBOOK was not what I had expected while I scrolled through the latest Cat Video or picture of why women live longer than men or pictures of my friends new selfies.

I called and left a message with my mom who did call me back to confirm and reminisce a bit. This leads me to my rant. WHY DID I FIND OUT ON FACEBOOK? WHY COULDN'T ANYONE CALL???? 

Back in the day the phone would ring in the middle of the night to hear bad news about someone not coming home, or a police officer would come to your house even. People were sensitive to others with bad news. Did that go away? Have we become so De-sensitized to bad news that it has become acceptable to tell the world what you know immediately on Facebook without that sensitive understanding of how the news might impact the people you tell?

I was sad-but more than that I was sad that this is what we as a people group find acceptable behavior. I am hence not going to share this post on Facebook like I normally do, because it would be insensitive. 

This leads me to list proper Etiquette with social media and technology: http://www.hongkiat.com/blog/facebook-etiquette/

I hope that someday, my children will read this and thank me for teaching them social etiquette, like I am thankful to my grandma for teaching me so much about how to be a proper lady. 

Vulnerablity

For the last 10 years hubby and I have shared a car.

If you have never shared a single car with your spouse, let me tell you it is an adventure in learning to communicate on a whole new level. We had worked the same shifts, close to each other and carpooled. We did everything together, and have lots of good memories from that time.

This fall, things changed. I talked a little bit about the change coming in a recent blog post, but the impact could not be foreseen.

1st change, new schedule for me. I wake up at 4:45am, get ready and head out the door by myself to work-then come home-get the kids-do homework-dishes sometimes-laundry sometimes-make dinner sometimes-relax sometimes-fill out papers for school-pay bills-make appointments-walk-then eat dinner, watch a little tv, read, then sleep to do it all over again. I am walking twice as much as I was before and eating less than I have before.-YAYA for that!!!

2nd change, new car. My very own zip zip. I love it!!

Now the emotions of it all: I feel Free-I feel powerful-I feel good about me. This is a scary emotion for me. I have been trying to figure out why this is scary for the last week or so and I have come to this conclusion.

I don't want to loose my caterpillars-but I can't stay one any longer. I told my friend a few months ago, that when I look in the mirror I don't see the girl I feel like I am on the inside. My friend so wisely stated, 'she is in there you just have to get to know her better, and then the outside will match the inside beauty you are.' The last week I have started to like the outside-I have started to see the inside match the outside. I have to trust and believe that the caterpillars will find their cocoons in their time and will become butterflies and we can all fly off together into the sunset. The perfect ending-the happily ever after.

This is what I tell myself when I get scared now. I become vulnerable-I shout from the roof tops-'hey look at me, I am scared, but doing this anyway'. If people want to gather to see my fly good on them-if not I am still going to fly-because it isn't about them...it is about ME!

I have this board on Pintrest-Good Quotes-everyday I pin a new quote, but only the ones that inspire me to be better than I was the day before. I am learning how to love me:

If I want to change the world-I have to learn how to love me. It is not a pride love, not a selfish love, it is a learned love of who God made me to be-complicated, weird, powerful, sexy, and interesting.

I look forward to conversations with other butterflies out there-who are willing to risk being vulnerable. None of us get out of here alive, so lets find a way to heal together-to talk.

What Do I Want???

I don't have anything to complain about. But I feel empty, lost, alone, struggling to make it to the end of each day. I want to give up and not try anymore. I think, it would be so much easier if I were dumb and played dumb. I wouldn't be expected to do all that I do. I don't know why I feel this way more often than I feel whole and completely satisfied. I then start dissecting the issues I face to see if there is something I can do to improve my circumstances. Is there something I am missing, an unfulfilled promise or a friend I failed to talk to lately, a quiet time with God that would fill in this yearning I am feelings? Can I do something to fix it, to get what I want?

But then I realize I don't know what I want...and the things I know I do want are so big picture is it really worth mentioning? Maybe...

I care so much about people. My greatest skill is knowing how to love people well. I am really good at customer service, because I work for a company that allows me the privilege to love people all day long.

Luckily I found a way to get paid for loving people and keep my morals! ;) However, I am also hurting due to the amount of love I give....why? In all my research, I have found that a person can only love as much as they are willing to get hurt. People can literally die of broken hearts. Here is an article I found: http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/publications/observer/2013/february-13/why-love-literally-hurts.html

Some people say it isn't love that hurts, but the unfilled expectations that hurt. Maybe...I expect rich people to give their money to poor starving people, and it hurts when I see rich people be so callous as to not even look at others in needs. I get that, but what about other forms of love.

When people died in the World Trade Center I was hurt, yet I knew not one single person who died  or was connected to any of the families that lost someone. Yet I grieved along side the world at the huge loss of life. I grieved when I learned of Auschwitz and of WWII, and in many ways still do. I grieve over the loss of life due to school shootings and the war with ISIS and with what is happening around the world. I am sensitive to the hurting at work and of people I have never met. Why???

Is it because I can empathize with the great amount of loss from my childhood trauma? Or am I just made to love people with such fervor?  Are we all made to love with such fervor? Is that why so many are depressed? Because we love so much, but don't know what to do about all the love we feel?

I think I am actually asking more questions than answering them, but maybe that is ok. What do I want??

I want every life to matter.
I want every hurt to be healed.
I want every tear to be counted.
I want everyone to feel a hug-not a little 'nice to see you' hug, but a soulfood hug.
I want every person to know they can change the world.
I want people to be free
I want people to experience joy
I want people to feel loved always
I want people to let go of their anger
I want a world where we share
I want a world that gives
I want a world that accepts without judgement
I want to dream big like Martin Luther King Jr.
    To have a dream, speak it out and inspire a new world vision
I want to save people from themselves and other hurts
I want to see people save themselves with courage
I want to see a generation of kids teaching adults how to be innocent
I want to connect
I want people to want to do the right thing
I want to do the right things
I want so much more than is maybe possible for one human lifetime.

What do I want in my little world? I want my hubby to be happy and fulfilled. I want my kids to learn and grow well. I want my family to know I care so much...I want peace, prosperity, hope, and joy.

I want to love people well. Maybe that is the great Commission? Do what you can in your little world to change the entire world. If we all have the same goals in mind...then coming together should be easy. We get to work through everyday the how to get there.

Maybe what I want can be accomplished by little things...having a good attitude, living by a moral standard, listening more than talking, struggling and testifying, meeting the needs of those I am made aware. Just being me, everyday to the best of my ability.

Finding Being and having Couple Friends

Hubby and I are a couple, duh! Our first year of marriage was figuring out each other. We lost sight of our close friends and we became each others close friend. Then we had the baby...so we were focused on raising our baby and integrating our extended family into our little close family. We then moved and moved again, had another baby. Leaving us with each other...and our babies.

I think there comes a point in any long lasting relationship when your partner, who is what you need daily, starts becoming annoying. There comes a point where you feel so comfortable with the other person that they are part of you...an extension. All that God made marriage to be. However, one finds oneself in need again. Not just your friend, not just their friend but a couple that you can share life and issues with.

We have had a few couple friends since we have been married. The first couple friend we had hurt our feelings as they could not accept our past was our past and not our present. Since then we have been leery of finding another couple friend to hang with. We went to small groups with church and found a few, but most are so busy, or we just don't click and it is difficult to get together. One day long ago, we found our besties....I won't use their names to protect them. Our favorite couple, we play games, talk, go on vacations, help each other with our kids, and just do life together. We have some similar interests, but we always have a shared faith.

The funny thing about having a couple friend is that the person you find yourself to be with your mate, may be different than the person you find yourself to be without your mate. The key is to find the couple friend that both of you can enjoy. I find that I see sides of my mate when we are with our friends that I don't see anywhere else. All of a sudden that annoying thing he does when he sighs when he gets interrupted vanishes and he becomes tolerant because the conversation is stimulating. Maybe the wife of the couple sees the sigh and calls your spouse out of the annoying thing he does and all of sudden you have a voice about that annoying thing that you couldn't have voiced before cause it would have cause the argument or discussion to escalate. I find that I may actually like my mate afterall, as you see him open up the way he did when you fell in love with him...or her.

If you have been married for more than 5 years and you don't have a couple friend, I would highly suggest looking for one. Maybe this is something you have never considered before, or even known that you need it, but I would say it is vital for a healthy thriving marriage. Find a couple to do life with and you will find your life doing well as you go along. Just like any friendship it takes work...from all sides. If one spouse is engaged with a couple and the other is not, then they are not the couple friend that will work. Both need to be willing....and you may find that you click with only one person of the couple you try to befriend...as long as you are willing you may find you get something new you didn't expect out of it. You get what you put into it and vice versa.

I have found that if hubby and I are having a hard time and arguing about every conversation we have and then go and visit with our friends, all of a sudden the argument seems silly and we are able to see what each of us were trying to say from the others perspective. It takes time and patience, but it is well worth it. Both hubby and I feel better after a good visit over dinner and few laughs...we get what we need from people that are not with us everyday slugging it through the trenches. They are slugging through their own trenches. We as a couple can empathize with that slugging, relate, let the other couple know they are not alone. It is nice to just know that your experience is not isolated, that there are other people doing life right along with you, struggling with the same things, and even sometimes arguing about the same things. We are iron sharpening iron and that is what fellowship is all about!

Tonight I pray for all the couples struggling out there. Contemplating the bid D word (divorce) and pray that they seek a couple friend to walk along side them and know they are not alone. That the fight to stay together, is worth it. Don't give up, a blessing is just around the corner!

Working Mom's Schedule

One of the things that caused me to want to start this blog was because when I tried to find a blog that I could relate to as a working mum, I could not find one out there. No one I could point to and say, 'wow, I struggle with that same thing.' I know I am not the only one, but at the same time, it is nice to be able to make a connection with someone, whether they know you personally or not and relate. 

My Monday-Fridays look about the same with slight variations to the evening events and it looks something like this:

6am up and shower, dress, do my hair, makeup and on my way through the hall way peak in to make sure the kids are out of their beds and mopping around finding clothes...hubby typically wakes first and showers then wakes the kids up on his way to the kitchen to start coffee and breakfast.

Once I bark a few orders to the kiddies or rattle them to get them on their feet I rush to start making lunches. I double check that I didn't miss any important news about what is happening at school or daycare for the week to come on the fridge and on my phone. Check the time about 5-6 times to make sure that we are out the door in time,

I grab my breakfast and throw the last minute dishes in the sink and we heard our little tired grumpy off spring to the car. Usually they forget one of the steps of getting ready, or they are being super pokey about getting to the car or need help with shoes, and always ends with either myself or hubby sitting down in our seats and buckling up with a big sigh letting go of the routine frustrations.

We kiss the kids and send them on their way for fun and adventure...check the field trip signups and look for any news as we try and quickly depart and get on the road to beat traffic.

Hubby drops me off at work first...with a kiss and a talk to you later, have a good day, don't get too stressed, it is just work send off, and he jets away in our car to get to his job.

Once I walk through the office door, I sit in the lobby and read my bible and my devotionals, check facebook, and pintrest...if there is time emails and the calendar we all share on the phone to make sure I haven't missed anything that I have forgotten.

I clock in and race to take care of everyone...catch up on peoples weekends, find all the stuff I didn't do last week, and find out the latests updates or office drama.

mid morning a 15 min Break!! I typically walk this whole break, but there are times where I remember I need to make a phone call, schedule an appointment for hubby or the kids or myself...touch base with one of my parents or just get some ice water and finish reading my bible...facebook, pintrest, or email.

Get back to work, to be on time and hit my stride with work till Lunch-if I actually go ontime, which happens, if I am lucky once or twice a week. This is my bliss time. I don't answer to anyone for 45 whole minutes. I can eat lunch outside or inside...I can be social and talk or not. I do something different everyday just cause I can! Sometimes I will finish up those pesky calls, to doctors or the school or family.

Then I head right back into my work...I take an afternoon break where I will walk mostly or sit down and close my eyes...lately I have been addicted to those facebook videos coming through.

After my 8 hours, I am out the door and hubby is sitting in the parking lot waiting for me. We talk about our day, what stressed us out, tell stories, and re-connect!

We pick up the kids, check form news of the coming week, talk to the teachers to make sure we are not missing anything and gather the kiddies into the car. We try and connect with the kids or share our parenting wisdom to the kids before we get home.

Once we hit the driveway...everyone goes in different directions. Kids pick a room to zone out to video games or shows...hubby heads to the garage. office, laundry room, or yard to complete a chore and I head to the kitchen to do dishes, and cook dinner. 

We eat dinner late depending on how long dishes, dinner or another chore we find to do finishes and we either decide to pull our kids out of their zones and make them converse with us further or we serve them dinner and zone out ourselves on whatever latest show we fancy at the time.

Bed time is strictly enforced; Kids put pj's on brush their teeth...argue about how they want to stay up later and later, and figure out how they can bargain for more time...and then give up knowing that the next day will different.

Once the kids are in bed, Hubby and I indulge on our healthy treat (ice cream, chips and salsa, cereal or whatever) and watch shows the kids should not be around for.

Then we fall into bed and do it all over again!

Saturdays are usually our chore day-finish folding all the laundry we have pushed through the washer and dryer or start washing and drying...we typically have a load of laundry to do a day, and if we don't stay on top of it we can end up spending 2 hours folding 6-7 loads. We do yard work, go to family events, or have dinner parties with friends.

Sunday we go to church in the morning, then grocery shopping for the week. We don't typically have time to shop throughout the week and to save both time and money we do it all in a 1-2 hour trip at our favorite all in one store, Freddies. Then we go home, put the food away, start linner, take out the trash, do one or two chores like vacuuming or cleaning the toilets, laundry...or force our precious angels to slave away cleaning their toys up or straightening their rooms-we are so mean! We may have a dinner party on Sunday nights, which is always super fun! 

Then we start the work week all over again....we are like a machine, trying to do the best we can everyday and make every day count!

Coming soon though things will change...maybe for the better, but the jury is still out.

Now if there are any weird people reading this and think, oh I can take advantage of this...let it be known this not set in stone...we have a guard cat...alarm system, and a detective in the family-don't mess!!!

Broken Testimony

I have told bits and pieces of my testimony, but not everything all at once. I am afraid. Afraid of hurting people of facing the whole thing at one time...at being judged and ridiculed, at being too wild to out there...too crazy.

I guess it is for others to decide...for God to decide. If you don't like what I say you can turn it off and walk away, but if you are intrigued you have the option to keep reading. I am scared as I write this, but I am more afraid of the crazy in me that I can't keep silent that has to be released or it will eat away at me.

My first encounter with God was in Sunday School...my heart was God's right from the beginning. I needed God right from the start. When I found my sis I was traumatized. God changed the way I thought in that moment. Hormones were released too soon as a way of protection. My parents did the best they could with what they had.

My parents were kids themselves and as an only child I helped raise them in so many ways it would take me forever to explain different stories. However I don't think it would do anyone any good.

I was stressed at an early age, bottled up as to not have my emotions be a burden to my parents. I grew up quickly and interacted as a little adult. I talked and paid attention to conversation. I learned how to schmooze and tell people what they want to hear. I learned about what people wanted or missed in themselves that they needed to be encouraged.

I became what my parents needed or wanted, but I lost myself in the process.

I thought that if I became what they needed that was love. If I became the perfect christian, then I could be loved by God. If I became the perfect girlfriend then I would be loved. If I became the perfect friend, then I would be loved. If I became the perfect student then I would be loved. If I became the perfect employee then I would be loved. If I became the perfect mom then I would be loved. If I became the perfect wife then I would be loved. If I became the perfect daughter then I would be loved. If I was skinny then I could be loved. If I was fat then I could be loved. If I was the perfect lover then I would be loved.

I missed the lesson that I am loved unconditionally for who I am. The problem is that I have spent 30 years being what everyone else wants and needs that I never discovered Kathryn.

I have sinned, just like you. I have confessed to God and others, yet I keep beating myself up about it. I am working on forgiving me, but I am ten times harder on myself than anyone can ever be, and if people find out I am a sinner the shame that comes next in barely tolerable.

The lessons I have learned are as follows:
* http://www.babble.com/babble-voices/37-life-lessons-that-will-change-your-life/
* http://www.popsugar.com/smart-living/45-Life-Lessons-Written-90-Year-Old-Woman-34209890

82 Points and hard lessons.

I give power to feel bad about myself...I give power to the selfishness..I give power to the crazy...I allow people to take advantage to please them at what extent? I am tired of being a doormat...I need to surround myself with people that will help me know my value and keep me safe when I feel wild. The issue comes with trust. The more one has been hurt and allowed to give their all to get crushed they loose hope there are good people in the world.

My husband loves me so much because of my wild. Adores my brokenness and welcomes my insanity and makes me make sense to a senseless world.

I have a few girlfriends who totally relates and are willing to still be my friend despite my crazy. They know hurting people hurt people unintentionally. Lord knows how many bridges I have burned over the years of not realizing the impact of my hurt impacting those around me. Even if the intent is always for good...if you are taught wrong you do wrong.

I hope and pray I am better for my kids. I don't want to pass on my sick to them...I pray for them daily and try. Maybe that is enough...maybe.

I have modeled the sin of my parents...worked through tons of badge to get to this point in life. Of not being a zombie, of embracing my human-ness my broken-ness and maybe that is the ultimate lesson. If you know the length and depth of the sin that needs covering then you can give that same length and depth of grace to others. Make the world go round people!

What is the source?

What makes you get up and go every morning? Everybody will have a different answer. 

Motivation=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motivation

There are so many theories, people opinions, an inner turmoil to understand, or bottle it up to sell to people without motivation. There is expectation that comes with motivation. For example, if you are motivated to solve world hunger and lack of clean water there is an expected resolution that you will find a way to feed people and get them access to clean water. 

The negative to having motivation is funny to look at:

Like with anything there is a spectrum in people. When I examine that spectrum, I find the passion that God gives each of us as gifts. My motivation is sculpted and refined by my experience, my choices, my likes and dislikes, my ideals, my examples. When I choose to follow my passions as my motivation I find myself happier, more fulfilled, and more at peace. The negative of all that is seen on the right here. A face-plant on a meeting that seems pointless.

Is the motivation of each life to be great? To be famous in someway? To teach others in the ways they should go? To learn how to be social, properly emotional, a contributor to society, an idealist, or a creator? What does the Bible say about greatness?

I think God wants us to be selfless to help us be more of ourselves. To be great at where we are, however we go where we are. It doesn't matter if you were born to a rich and powerful family. It doesn't matter if you were born in the streets of the worst town ever. It doesn't matter what your circumstance, your past, your upbringing. What matters is the choice and choices you make.

        There is a documentary called 'A Monk with a Camera'. 

A very interesting story of a man who made a series of choices and is still to this day making choices. He struggles with motivation and materialism. The constant evaluation of what he is doing and why. I was captivated with the struggle and identified with it. I think many of us struggle with this. I would call him a great man. He is conscience of the struggle, is transparent, and works to ensure the pride monster stays under control.

The pride monster=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ac3RObaMCco

What is the source of your motivation? Why do you get up every morning or every evening? Are we finding our purpose? It is so important to examine our motivation as it dictates what you do and why you do it. If you don't know why you are doing something, then what is the point of doing it? Why do we learn, why do we grow, why do we do what we do? I know for me it is to better than I was yesterday. I want to be a good person, a loving person, a follower of Jesus, a friend, a good daughter, a good wife, a good mom. In order to be good I have to know what is good and my motivation. 

I love to write. I write for the love of writing. To tell my story, to help others not make the same mistakes I did or to mentor. I write for the pure joy of evaluation, understanding, hope, I write because I have to. I read an amazing article this week: http://www.brainpickings.org/2014/09/04/famous-writers-on-keeping-a-diary/

I expand when I write, when I compile all that I hear God speaking to my heart and share that with others. I find it simply awesome when I learn that people out there struggle with the same issues I am wrestling over. When people are transparent with what they struggle with. That is not void of fear mind you. I operate in the face of fear. It scares me to say things that I know to be true that I also know may hurt people. I struggle to obey and go out to something I have never done before without the experience of others or without someone going with me. I am scared of angry people. I avoid conflict at most costs to ensure I am not the source of the frustration. I apologize for doing and being and thinking, yet that is what God calls me to do over and over again. To step out and confront. So I say lets look at the motivation of what we do why we are doing it and lets run the race God has set before us.

40 days of Lent-Making Room

1. Lent (Latin: Quadragesima - English: Fortieth) is a solemn religious observance in the liturgical calendar of many Christian denominations that begins on Ash Wednesday and covers a period of approximately six weeks before Easter Sunday.
2. We have been learning this year all about Lent and making room for God in our lives during the 40 days before Easter. I have never participated in Lent before...this was my first time. I know a lot of people that have completed this journey. My moms, who comes from catholic backgrounds, know about Lent and have participated in journey's of their own. People can be very judgmental of people who chose to participate in this tradition or of those who chose not to. 
3. So I wanted to tell you my story of the first time I took part in Lent. 
4. The first day of lent was Feb 18, 2015 just after valentines day. The last time I was on Facebook (FB), as I choose to make room for more of God by not touching Facebook. I couldn't give up food, as I found with the diabetes, it is hazardous to my body. I couldn't give up on types of foods, since I have already gone gluten free since June 19, 2014. I don't have any issues with alcohol or drugs. My biggest time consumer is social media. I would argue that I spent close to 40 hours a week on Facebook. I am a spammer, a sharer of what I am doing, how I am doing, why I am doing, oh and look at this awesome video! This was going to be hard.
5. Earlier in 2014 I lost some close friends on FB, was hurt by FB as I learned of some parties and information there that I was not invited to or asked to be apart of. I was accosted and so I threw a fit, like most two-year-olds when they learn they are not the most popular or picked last for the games.I dumped people that were not interested in me and was very picky as to who I re-friend-ed. I even went so far as to disconnect FB all together in my fit, which only lasted about 4 hours. I was 35 going on 2! From that lesson, I didn't want to turn the app off my phone during this time as I learned how hard it was to get everything back, and I feel like Lent is learning your powers of self control among other lessons.
6. By the first Sat-Feb 21st I had racked up over 100 updates....in case you didn't know the app stops counting updates when you get to 100. No problem, I thought, I got this. We did our normal routines, Tuesday Bible Study, Sunday church and bible class. I didn't feel like anything was different. I didn't feel different, just a wanting to know what was going on with people. 
7. Sunday-Feb 23rd I wrote and posted, 'What I believe.' This was emotional for me and I felt very vulnerable after posting that. I stayed up most of the night thinking through all the things people would or could say about it. Hubby said it was my way of getting a thicker skin by being available to say what I believe and not caring about what people may say.
8. By Feb 28 I was feeling the wanting very strongly and a need to tell everyone my kid was selling Girl Scout cookies at her first site sale of the year. I did what I have done the last 4 years of site sales. I took her picture and posted it on Face Book. That night when I got home and told my hubby he looked at me and said, 'What!?!? You were on Facebook, I thought you gave it up for Lent.' I said, 'No I just shared a picture on FB I didn't check it.' He gave me a look, and I felt like umm...I think that maybe something I should not do. I was walking a slippery slop to just giving up my fast all together. I went through the rest of the weekend with taking pictures, and video, but not sharing.
9. The next week was 'Retreat' weekend where I got to go on a women's retreat and stay overnight for two nights away from my hubby and kids. This was the fist time in 4-5 years that I had done this. History had proven staying overnight away from home did not yield positive results with my marriage or with my kids and I was anxious to go. On Friday, March 6th I spent the morning texting with the person at work who was taking over my job while I was gone for 5 days...it was his first week on the job and I had spent March 2-5 training him to be me. I fretted over this and that, talked with my mom, shopped for some last minute items, and watched some tv before heading out-late.
10. The weekend was not anything life changing or momentous, however I felt my shoulders drop by about two inches the further away from town I went. I was wound up tighter than a pencil sharpener on the first day of school. I came back full-spiritually full, physically fully relaxed, and happy. My hubby had the house all cleaned up and all the laundry done. That Monday, as I was home alone for longer than I had ever been before I did a craft, watched tv for longer than I intended and didn't think even once about Facebook. 
11. Then there was March 10-Owen's birthday. I took lots of pictures, and videos and yearned to share them with my family and friends. I texted with people and had conversations on FB messenger, which is a separate app, but there was heavy discussion as to whether or not this counted as cheating. I  didn't think so cause it wasn't like I was on it all the time, and the only time I was on it was to respond to people who were reaching out to me.
12. During this time we have been working with Rachel's school to get her some extra help. I had to fill out all kinds of paperwork, work with the school psychologist which is what lead me to post, 'the psychology of it all' and 'dealing with AdHd.' March 16th was a culmination of all the hard work hubby and I had been doing to get Rachel help since she was in Kindergarten. Our 4th board meeting with 8 specialists all working on understanding my daughters needs in order to learn. Well, that day she got what she needed! YAYAYAYAYAYYA
13. March 17th though was the culmination of hard work that God was doing in my heart for the last ummm 2-3 years. With the help of our bible study participants and God I entered into a new level of health that I have never experienced to date. People laid hands on me and prayed with me. I was able to share my vulnerable heart and it was accepted and cared for. All of a sudden I had confidence in being who God has made me to be. I a new creation! The next day, March 18th, the gap in relationship I had experienced  with my younger sister in law since it opened the last time I shut off Facebook as filled in . She encouraged me, and I was able to encourage her!
14. March 20th I messed up on an account and instead of breaking down and feeling paralyzed I was able to take care of the mistake with a pose and professional brevity I had never done before. March 23-27th was the longest week of now FB ever as I learned from a party March 21st all the fun stuff of people's lives I was missing out on. Every break I was temped to bring the 100 updates back down to 0. Every lunch I forced myself onto Pinterest instead of the lovey f button. I faithfully read the two bible plans I chose on my Bible App and after the week of 3/16-3/20 rested in the quiet peace God had made this time for me. 
15. Today as I look forward to Good Friday, Easter and a grand party at our place. I also look forward to reconnecting onto the social media. I don't know if this time has changed my addiction and probably won't know that till I re-enter the digital world, but I re-enter it a different person. Another layer of healing has taken place in me. People at work, in my family and my friends have all seen a change in me. I have seen a change in me. I am stronger, better, healthier version of me than when I started this on Feb 18th. 

Why Work and raise kids...while married?

I have been working on figuring out and trying to relate to other working moms. When I was looking at starting a blog and finding blogs to read, I did not find one woman that was blogging that worked full time, was married, and had kids.

Most women who were blogging were at home with their kids, for one reason or another. If they were at home mom's they were married. If they were working moms, it was because the dad wasn't in the picture or they were, only working till their husband went back to work or while their husband was in school and were counting the days till they could be at home with their kids full time.

Are there other working moms out there that work on purpose??

I work on purpose. Work keeps me sane when everything else is chaotic. I like getting a paycheck every two weeks. I like the benefits, the bonuses, the pat on the backs for a job well done. I like having adult conversations, hearing about office drama, I enjoy having 45 mins lunches and two 15 breaks that I can go for a walk, read, listen to music, check social media, email, talk on the phone, ect. I know what I am supposed to do everyday, I come in do my job and go home. Some day's I stay emotionally attached to what is going on, but most of the time I can drop it and sleep at night.

There are some challenges within marriage...I make more with bonuses and benefits. That causes my man as it does most men the frustration of knowing that I can take care of myself. That is also something he doesn't have to worry about though. My hubby takes care of me, provides for our family, protects us, and is the Head of our House is so many different ways.

This leads me to talk about my kids. I have talked about this before....a few times. Needless to say, my kids would not be who they are today without my Mama Nanny. I believe there is value in having multiple people helping to raise my kids. It does take a village....Thank you Mrs Clinton!!

Working means though that I need to organize to keep the house clean, clothes available to wear, and food available and ready to eat. How do we do it??

Well, we are not lazy people and our kids do chores. We have a very strict schedule on weekdays and we relax and do most of our socializing on the weekends. We have a menu, we shop for the menu weekly, we clean on the weekend, and do a load of laundry a day. I think we do two to three loads of dishes on the weekends, and a load of dishes a day, two when we had an infant. It isn't easy by any means, but it works. I don't think people know what they can do till they are forced to do it. I have worked since I was 10 years old, and I don't plan to stop working anytime soon. I am a blue collar, Union participant, and I work hard and well. I wouldn't do it any other way.

I just saw this video on Thursday- 3/08/2015 and I actually teared up. Check it out....

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=891588640861740&video_source=pages_finch_main_video

Christianity Defined?!?!

I am going to start out with what I believe:

The Word of God
I believe that the Bible, comprised of the 66 books of the Old and New Testament, is the Word of God, fully inspired and without error in the original manuscripts, written under the inspiration of the holy Spirit, and has supreme authority in all matters of faith and conduct. (1 John 17:17; Romans 15:4; 2 Timothy 3:16; 2 Peter 1:19-21)
I believe the main two versions are in the Spirit of the original text > King James
Version, and New International Version> because I trust in the committee of
scholars that voted and agree on these two main translations as I am not a scholar
(1Timothy 3:1-16; 1 Timothy 5:1-17).
    a>The NIV Bible is translated by a world-class coalition of evangelical biblical
scholars who are all-out committed to the authority of Scripture and to
getting the words right. Learn more about the Committee on Bible
Translation. www.ibs.org
   b> James gave the translators instructions intended to guarantee that the new version would reflect the episcopal structure of the Church of England and its belief in an ordained clergy.[8] The translation was done by 47 scholars, all of whom were
members of the Church of England. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_James_Version
   c> I believe the Holy Spirit will provide the understanding in any version that
will speak to my heart the way God wills it. (John 10:27; Matthew 12:6-8) I
believe the Holy Spirit is still at work speaking God’s Word today in many
ways, and will until the return. (Acts 8:18-19; Romans 3:20; Hebrews 11-the
whole chapter) Abraham, Moses, Issac, Jacob, ect they did not have the Word
of God, but they knew His voice, and by faith they were saved.
The Trinity
I believe that there is one living and true God, eternally existing in three persons;
that these are equal in every divine perfection, and that they execute distinct but
harmonious offices in the work of creation, providence, and redemption. (Matthew
28:19; John 1:1-4; 1 John 5:7)
God the Father
I believe in God the Father, an infinite personal Spirit, perfect in holiness, wisdom,
power and love. I believe that He concerns Himself mercifully in the affairs of men,
that He hears and answers prayer, that He saves from sin and death all who come
to Him through Jesus Christ. (John 3:16-17; John 4:24; John 17:5)
Jesus Christ
I believe in Jesus Christ as God, the only begotten Son of the Father, conceived by
the Holy Spirit. I believe in His virgin birth as a human being, sinless life, miracles
and teachings. I believe in His substitutionary atoning death, bodily resurrection,
ascension into heaven, perpetual intercession for His people, and personal visible
return to earth. (Isaiah 7:14; John 1:14; Philippians 2:5-11; 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17;
Hebrews 1:2-3; 1 John 1:7)
The Holy Spirit
I believe in the Holy Spirit who came forth from the Father and Son to convict the
world of sin, righteousness, and judgment, and to regenerate, sanctify, and
empower all who believe in Jesus Christ. I believe that the Holy Spirit indwells every
believer in Christ and that He is abiding Helper, Teacher, and Guide. (John 16:7-15; Romans 8:14-17; Ephesians 1:13-14; 1 John 14:26) a> I believe in praying in the Spirit as Hannah did in the temple, and as the disciples did in the room at Pentecost. (1 Samuel 1:13-17; Acts 2:4-21; 1 Cor 14:1-25)
Regeneration
I believe that all men are sinners by nature and choice. Therefore, they are under judgment. I believe that those who repent of their sins and trust Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord are transformed by the Holy Spirit. (John 1:12-13; John 3:16-18; Acts 20:21; Titus 3:5)
     a>I don’t believe it is my place to judge or condemn anyone. (Luke 6:27-31; Luke 6:37; Matthew 7:1-6; Titus 1:8-9; 1 Peter 3:8-12; 1 John 2:16 4:11; John 13:34-35; Roman 2:1-16)
The Church 
I believe in the universal church, a living spiritual body of which Christ is the head and all regenerated persons are members. I believe in the local church consisting of a company of believers in Jesus Christ, baptized on a credible profession of faith, and associated for worship, work and fellowship. I believe that God has laid upon the members of the local church the primary task of giving the gospel of Jesus Christ to a lost world. (Matthew 16:16-18; Acts 2:38-41; Ephesians 2:19-22, 5:25-27)
Christian Conduct
I believe that a Christian should live for the glory of God and well being of his fellowmen; that his conduct should be blameless before the world; that he should be a faithful steward of his possessions; and that he should seek to realize for himself and others the full stature of maturity in Christ. (2 Corinthians 9:6-8; Ephesians 4:11-16; Philippians 2:14-16; Colossians 3:17-23; 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18)
The End Times-another title for this belief is Futurism or that Revelations is a literal translation not symbolism.
I believe in the personal and visible return of the Lord Jesus Christ to earth and the establishment of His kingdom. I believe in the resurrection of the body, the final judgment, the eternal joy of the righteous, and the endless suffering of the wicked. (Matthew 25:31-46; John 5:18, 29; 2 Corinthians 5:10; Revelation 20:1-5)

Why am I doing this? It is important to know why I do what I do. It is important for me to be able to explain what I believe, and why to whomever. I believe in the great commission, which is to go out and tell others.

That all being said, I HATE that people die on the sole basis of what they believe. That is the main reason people came from England and other continents to form America to have the freedoms that are not available everywhere. I truly respect All Nations and forms of religion as I believe they are under God and it is your choice not to agree with me. I love that we can not agree! It makes me think!!

I came up with a chart awhile ago:

I fall within the wide arrow section. On the left side is light and the right side is dark.









This leads me to my research this weekend on Dispensationalism. You can Google it and read it for yourself, but be prepared, there is a lot of reading to do in order to fully understand it. My definition is a little loose: a Theological system to define who is closest to God in different times and era's.

There are different perspectives of  Dispensationalism:
1-Classical
2-Progressive
3-Covenant which encompasses Jewish descendants by flesh vs by spirit.
4-Supersessionism which states the church replaced Israel as defined by the Old Testament.

Some argue that the era of defining Dispensation is what lead to the multitudes of church separations throughout history. However, before the Dispensations was the Fundamentals which separate what Protestants believe verses the Catholic Church. Which is even defined further into the 5 Solae and encompasses Transubstantiation.

Transubstantiation=is the change whereby, according to the teaching of the Catholic Church, the bread and the wine used in the sacrament of the Eucharist become, not merely as by a sign or a figure, but also in actual reality the body and blood of Christ.

In an effort to simplify all that into what I believe leads me to align to the 3 minimalist understanding of dispensation. I would like to pick out parts of the 5 Solae and agree with some of what Roger Williams talks about with the Universal Priesthood. I think that more than any other document or writing the separation between the Protestants and Catholics was Transubstantiation.

I personally love the respect and awe that each and every Catholic Mass presents when bringing a body of believers before Christ. The Saints of Catholicism are the examples of the disciples God was looking to form with the body of believers, as I believe we are all called to Sainthood. What catches me up is the 'Pharisee' attitude that comes with those in the Priesthood and in the governing body. I don't believe I am closer or further away from God because I am not the Pope or a priest or a nun. I believe God looks at all of our hearts and that is it. I am not a better person because I am a Jew or a Gentile or a Nazarene or a Mormon or someone who follows Wicka.

I love the song: We Believe.>>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjZ01FcK0yk

At the very simplest form of all the different denominations on the right (refer to picture above) can be summed up or encapsulated to all stand and say:

We believe in God the Father. We believe in Jesus Christ. We believe in the Holy Spirit. We believe.

There is no magic formula for learning Truth. 

1 Corinthians 1:21, 'Since God in his wisdom saw to it that the world would never know him through human wisdom, he has used our foolish preaching to save those who believe.'

If you do a concordance search there are hundreds of verses on truth. I beg to argue that each man has to search for the truth that speaks the closest to what they know in their hearts. To measure it to what they know of the character of God. To look at it like the picture above in a light bulb. Just as a scientist tries to prove or disprove to formulate the particles that shook in the exact ways to form life. Or to identify dark matter and continue to theorize. We as a human race throughout culture, time, continents, man, or woman, the truth that God exists is real, is present, and is loving, is all the truth I need to continue to search for what I believe. 

I know my perspectives will change, my attitudes will change, the tangents of fundamentals vs dispensations vs Solae vs denominations; my truth emerges as this:

God exists. God is real, is present, and is loving. He sent His only begotten Son that whoever believes will have life. The Holy Spirit came to help guide us to Truth as God in us-our conscience.

What do you believe??

Dealing with ADHD From the helper perspective>>

In the last couple years my husband and daughter were diagnosed with ADHD and have been taking adderall vs ridaline. Both are stimulates to help ADHD people slow down their thoughts.

We didn't jump into medication very easily...if you read my last post about my experience with medication and doctors you understand why that is. Hubby's parents are also Organic Produce Farmers in PA and don't agree with most of what modern medicine has to offer as there is always organic ways to take care of what ails us in most cases according to the way they philosophize. We did try coffee as a stimulate only as well as coffee first. That helps a little, but not as a long lasting affect and not as a way to help facilitate understanding and learning.

As soon as our beautiful daughter started taking the medication, I saw a difference. All of a sudden she was no longer driving me insane every moment. She wasn't twitchy and could actually handle being still for more than 5 min as a time. My daughter could hold a conversation with me and used really words verses grunts and weird form of sign language. The biggest difference was with potty time. She had a really hard time potty training. She did great at night, but the accidents came during the day.Our daughter is filled with so many thoughts she doesn't have room to pay attention to the signs her body was giving her. It didn't really matter how many times we went through the potty process it didn't stick.

This was the same with school. It didn't matter how many hours we spent reading or working on writing or math it wasn't sticking. There just wasn't any room outside of the thoughts she was having. My daughter lived in her own head and in stories that she couldn't tell anyone about or articulate well enough to let anyone into it. She struggles in school and I have done all I can to be on top of what I see she knows and what she doesn't. How she learns is unique and time consuming. It is constant effort on our part as parents. Once we had our son we saw him acting in similar ways, but as a learned behavior. Once he was away from our daughter he was a different person. A few months after our daughter started on medication my hubby was started.

All of a sudden my marriage wasn't so much work on my part. I could relax the schedule of structure I had created to try and maintain balance. I shop off a weekly menu I create to help us save money and to help provide the structure hubby and daughter desperately needed and still do to this day. Before medication, if I had veered from the menu a bit emotional melt down would soon be followed. As broken as I was I took it as a personal attack every time. I think I have said this before, but I think we yelled at each other in every conversation we had for the first  years we were married as we struggled to figure out how to be One like the bible talks about. Hubby had his idea of how a woman was supposed to be, the roles she was to fulfill, and how she was supposed to talk to her husband. I didn't fit into most of those ideals and was rebellious, and hurting. Today, when we have a difference of opinion we are able to stop, pray, take turns talking, and continue the conversation without raised voices, most of the time. I am able to recognize the difference between an attack on my character and an explanation of feeling...again most of the time. It is still work, but it is about 10 times easier than ever before.

I recently started looking for a book to help me be even more empathetic with my husband's and daughter's conditions and found I Always Want to be Where I am Not  by Dr. Wes Crenshaw. I am so lucky to have found this book. He helped me understand my role with such detail that it left me little doubt as to what he ment. How to work through problems that come up. The story of the teens and early college age kids gave me a hope for my daughters future than I had had before I read the book. We are currently working on getting our daughter an IEP or Individual Education Plan to ensure she doesn't get 'Left Behind' and is able to fill in some of the holes she has in her education from K-3rd grade that she missed because of the lack of medication, but I am more hopeful that she will be a productive thriving member of society, be able to hold a job, and find the love of her life.

This fall, our daughter will be starting Middle School and our son Elementry school. I am anxious, but also excited for all that is to come. I feel like God has prepared me and set me up for successful family adventures that I get to give my kids despite all that I have gone through in my childhood. God has taken my mourning and turned it into gladness, my hurt into lessons, and my joy is being made complete!

The Psychology of it All.

After my sister died, my parents were very involved with Community Chapel and felt that counseling was not needed since we had God to help us through the tragedy.

I think I was about 12 when we started to see a family therapist and marriage counselor. I was very excited at that time to be in 'session' and think through all that I was seeing between my parents and with myself. I learned lots of counseling techniques and at some points would hold 'sessions' between my parents when the worse came to worse. I remember sitting on the couches in the living room with my mom on one side and my dad on the other as I mediated the conversations. This happened more than I can count. My dad had tried to commit suicide twice and been committed both times. Not knowing what Bipolar really was in the early '90's they had originally put my dad on Prozac (an upper). This was very bad. It took a long time to find the right medication to put my dad on through the years, and I think they are still changing it as they know more even today.When my mom separated from my dad the summer of 1993, I was 14. My mom was seeking counselors and worried that I would be scared for life from all my dad put us through. She didn't want to go back to the marriage counselor we had originally started seeing.

 She found one close to our apartment and I started going once a week or month to talk. Once my mom separated from my dad I told my dad I would not see him till he could prove he was medicated and stable. I remember my mom being really scared of my dad. He would follow us in a stalking kind of way. Part of the divorce agreement included a part that he was not allowed to come over or see me with out supervision. There was one time he had come over banging on the door. I was by myself and I had to call the police on him. That was a scary day. Anyway, I digress...the counselor was nice lady, had curly hair, glasses and I was able to easy fool her. I don't remember her name, but she got me to see my dad after two years, and tried to help me quit smoking, which I didn't do till about 2002 ish. Mom and I went to a monthly AA group that had a Teen group so I could have some group therapy too. I got alot of good tools out of AA but as my parents were not alcoholics and I was not going down that path it didn't and doesn't really apply to me. I left and went to college after having established a tentative relationship with my dad to be able to talk on the phone without screaming or falling apart. I was in MT, going to school part time and working three jobs when I decided I was done and wanted to moved to Spokane to try and make it on my own in the world for the first time. My dad helped me move and I started getting settled. A few months later my dad and step mom started telling me they were concerned I was bipolar just like my dad.

I sought out 5 psychologist and got a written letter from each stating that I was not bipolar and that my parents were just crazy. After months of agony, fights, out of desperation for it all to stop and to have a relationship with my dad I moved in with my dad and step-mom. They had me go to 5 more of their choosing, one of which told me that they were not going to stop taking me to see professionals till they got the diagnosis they were looking for and put me on medication so that I could be more controlled by them. Sick huh-yeah, yet I stayed and jumped through the hoops.

One fine spring day they found a counselor with New Life Counseling, which is supposed to be for alcoholics and drug addiction facilities. Well, a counselor diagnosed me with Bipolar, we saw a family therapist and then I was in the system and went to a drug doctor who handed me a script once a month. I knew what to say to manipulate the docs and answer the way they wanted me to. 

I was on Depakote for 2 years-http://www.drugwatch.com/depakote/. We couldn't afford to keep seeing the family therapist, and my dad saw his own drug doctor so it was normal to stop seeing the therapist, or that is how they made it seem at that time. As long as I was medicated things were supposed to go smoothly. However, they were not going smoothly...I was finally able to see a little bit of light after a big family fight over a bag of Fritos. That is a story for another time.

Long story longer, I left and moved in with my friend, now sister-in-law for a couple months till I was able to find a place on my own. After another year I met my now husband who, when I first told him the story in the parking lot of our church, said...'um I don't think you are bipolar, please find a doc to get you off of them.' I did the next week and was weaned off withing a few months. The new drug doc I had found seemed very concerned, I don't know if her face always had a furrow but every time she talked to me the furrow became even more intense, I didn't really care why. Once I was off the meds, she said I didn't need to see anyone anymore. That was right before I got married in 2002.

I struggled with post pardon depression after Rachel, but really did not want to get help for it or talk to anyone about it. It seemed to get a little better after we moved to OR, but looking back I think I got even more depressed as I learned what it was like to married, a mom, and broke. Once we moved back to WA, I was at an all time low. Once I started working things got a little better, and then when we were able to get into an apartment of our own instead of living with my mom's now ex-husband things got alot better with me. We then had Owen and I was on an up swing again. After Owen I was working through my fears of perpetuating my experience with our two kids in the same room, same two bedroom apartment set up. In 2011 I searched out a counselor through work for the first time since I got off the Bipolar meds.  I started Yoga and really focusing on me and my mental health as I wasn't sure the problems I was facing in my marriage were a result of my pain and past or something else.

The lady I was put in touch with was very compassionate, but had me do exercises that confused me and the coaching I received from her tended to cause more strife in my marriage than bringing us together. Hubby and I started talking to our pastor and meeting with him on marriage counseling. and after the counselor fell asleep while I was talking twice I decided she was not a good fit. The marriage counseling was good, but I didn't feel like the answers were there yet. I talked to a few friends and found out about a group called. 'Learn to Let Go and Grow' by Kitty Jones. I completed the full 3 part course and it answered so much for me. I am a better more whole person because of it. I still have all the material and will look at it again in order when I get to the point where I was back in 2011, if that ever happens.

That brings me to ToDay:

Our new church is offering a discipleship class called 'Recovering Redemption'. I purposefully choose not to take this class. Knowing it would probably deal with some of the heart issues of my past that I am tired of looking at. However, I think God knew I needed it cause when we went to our weekly Bible Study, guess what we are going through....Yup, 'Recovery Redemption'. If you are interested check it out on YouTube>>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcPXNJT_4Nk<<

Why am I talking about this side my story? Well the first 'Recovery Redemption' course talks about the four pillars that help us cope with the fall of Adam and Eve to sin.

1-Ourselves
2-Others
3-The World
4-Religion

Theses are all things we use as coping mechanisms. All different aspects of how I survived to make it to 36 years old. The 'Others' never worked out the way God intended. It can't. I am ok with that. Praise God that He is my healer, my comforter, my helper, my Abba! If you are searching for help out of your situation emotionally...seek God! Others might help direct you or medicate you, but only God can heal.

Fresh Perspective on 2015

Today, I have been feeling like a bad mom and wife....I felt like I have been rude, selfish, and short. I was so grateful to get to church today...and the message made me cry the whole time. It wasn't the best message, but to hear, 'God Loves Me.' over and over cut through to my core.

Christianity is the only religion where you don't need anything to be with God....You can't do anything to earn God's love or give atonement to be loved. He loves me just cause. My favorite quote is, 'God knew what he was getting when he made me.' I get grace to be me! Unapologetic-ally Kathryn, not everyone's cup of coffee. I tell the truth when you don't want to hear it, or when it is rubbing salt in a wound, easily manipulated and fooled, a thinker, but always taken on first impression as two bricks short of a full load. I contradict myself when seeking approval from others as I try and mold who I am to make others happy. I am energetic see the good in most and always want to give second, third, and forth chances. 

The more I talk about who I am the more 'narcissistic' I am sounding, Sorry, that is not the intention~just writing down what I know about who I am helps me to better establish who God made me and reinforce in me His unconditional Love. My hubby's favorite question is, 'Why do you love me?' Do you ask your hubby that question? Do they love it as much as my hubby does? Many people in the Bible have asked God the same question. God answers back, 'Does the sun ask why it shines or the waves ask why they move?' No they don't, we are made by the creator, and just like we have unconditional love for our kids, a bond that is beyond comprehension, God has that same love for me....as His creation! I am learning everyday how to love myself and see myself the way God sees me. Psalms 23:6 'Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.'

In 2015 and this fresh perspective of the love of the Lord, I want to share this love with everyone around me. My resolution is to go deeper into Christ's love so others can see God's love for them too. To give grace and understanding to my family, to have a better bond with my kids, and help them further all their interests as they learn who they are in Christ. 

Chores, bills, and work are always constant; Time, people and stuff is fleeting.
Watch this video:

>> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_N_uvq41Pg <<