I think I was about 12 when we started to see a family therapist and marriage counselor. I was very excited at that time to be in 'session' and think through all that I was seeing between my parents and with myself. I learned lots of counseling techniques and at some points would hold 'sessions' between my parents when the worse came to worse. I remember sitting on the couches in the living room with my mom on one side and my dad on the other as I mediated the conversations. This happened more than I can count. My dad had tried to commit suicide twice and been committed both times. Not knowing what Bipolar really was in the early '90's they had originally put my dad on Prozac (an upper). This was very bad. It took a long time to find the right medication to put my dad on through the years, and I think they are still changing it as they know more even today.When my mom separated from my dad the summer of 1993, I was 14. My mom was seeking counselors and worried that I would be scared for life from all my dad put us through. She didn't want to go back to the marriage counselor we had originally started seeing.
She found one close to our apartment and I started going once a week or month to talk. Once my mom separated from my dad I told my dad I would not see him till he could prove he was medicated and stable. I remember my mom being really scared of my dad. He would follow us in a stalking kind of way. Part of the divorce agreement included a part that he was not allowed to come over or see me with out supervision. There was one time he had come over banging on the door. I was by myself and I had to call the police on him. That was a scary day. Anyway, I digress...the counselor was nice lady, had curly hair, glasses and I was able to easy fool her. I don't remember her name, but she got me to see my dad after two years, and tried to help me quit smoking, which I didn't do till about 2002 ish. Mom and I went to a monthly AA group that had a Teen group so I could have some group therapy too. I got alot of good tools out of AA but as my parents were not alcoholics and I was not going down that path it didn't and doesn't really apply to me. I left and went to college after having established a tentative relationship with my dad to be able to talk on the phone without screaming or falling apart. I was in MT, going to school part time and working three jobs when I decided I was done and wanted to moved to Spokane to try and make it on my own in the world for the first time. My dad helped me move and I started getting settled. A few months later my dad and step mom started telling me they were concerned I was bipolar just like my dad.
I sought out 5 psychologist and got a written letter from each stating that I was not bipolar and that my parents were just crazy. After months of agony, fights, out of desperation for it all to stop and to have a relationship with my dad I moved in with my dad and step-mom. They had me go to 5 more of their choosing, one of which told me that they were not going to stop taking me to see professionals till they got the diagnosis they were looking for and put me on medication so that I could be more controlled by them. Sick huh-yeah, yet I stayed and jumped through the hoops.
One fine spring day they found a counselor with New Life Counseling, which is supposed to be for alcoholics and drug addiction facilities. Well, a counselor diagnosed me with Bipolar, we saw a family therapist and then I was in the system and went to a drug doctor who handed me a script once a month. I knew what to say to manipulate the docs and answer the way they wanted me to.
I was on Depakote for 2 years-http://www.drugwatch.com/depakote/. We couldn't afford to keep seeing the family therapist, and my dad saw his own drug doctor so it was normal to stop seeing the therapist, or that is how they made it seem at that time. As long as I was medicated things were supposed to go smoothly. However, they were not going smoothly...I was finally able to see a little bit of light after a big family fight over a bag of Fritos. That is a story for another time.
Long story longer, I left and moved in with my friend, now sister-in-law for a couple months till I was able to find a place on my own. After another year I met my now husband who, when I first told him the story in the parking lot of our church, said...'um I don't think you are bipolar, please find a doc to get you off of them.' I did the next week and was weaned off withing a few months. The new drug doc I had found seemed very concerned, I don't know if her face always had a furrow but every time she talked to me the furrow became even more intense, I didn't really care why. Once I was off the meds, she said I didn't need to see anyone anymore. That was right before I got married in 2002.
I struggled with post pardon depression after Rachel, but really did not want to get help for it or talk to anyone about it. It seemed to get a little better after we moved to OR, but looking back I think I got even more depressed as I learned what it was like to married, a mom, and broke. Once we moved back to WA, I was at an all time low. Once I started working things got a little better, and then when we were able to get into an apartment of our own instead of living with my mom's now ex-husband things got alot better with me. We then had Owen and I was on an up swing again. After Owen I was working through my fears of perpetuating my experience with our two kids in the same room, same two bedroom apartment set up. In 2011 I searched out a counselor through work for the first time since I got off the Bipolar meds. I started Yoga and really focusing on me and my mental health as I wasn't sure the problems I was facing in my marriage were a result of my pain and past or something else.
The lady I was put in touch with was very compassionate, but had me do exercises that confused me and the coaching I received from her tended to cause more strife in my marriage than bringing us together. Hubby and I started talking to our pastor and meeting with him on marriage counseling. and after the counselor fell asleep while I was talking twice I decided she was not a good fit. The marriage counseling was good, but I didn't feel like the answers were there yet. I talked to a few friends and found out about a group called. 'Learn to Let Go and Grow' by Kitty Jones. I completed the full 3 part course and it answered so much for me. I am a better more whole person because of it. I still have all the material and will look at it again in order when I get to the point where I was back in 2011, if that ever happens.
That brings me to ToDay:
Our new church is offering a discipleship class called 'Recovering Redemption'. I purposefully choose not to take this class. Knowing it would probably deal with some of the heart issues of my past that I am tired of looking at. However, I think God knew I needed it cause when we went to our weekly Bible Study, guess what we are going through....Yup, 'Recovery Redemption'. If you are interested check it out on YouTube>>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcPXNJT_4Nk<<
Why am I talking about this side my story? Well the first 'Recovery Redemption' course talks about the four pillars that help us cope with the fall of Adam and Eve to sin.
1-Ourselves
2-Others
3-The World
4-Religion
Theses are all things we use as coping mechanisms. All different aspects of how I survived to make it to 36 years old. The 'Others' never worked out the way God intended. It can't. I am ok with that. Praise God that He is my healer, my comforter, my helper, my Abba! If you are searching for help out of your situation emotionally...seek God! Others might help direct you or medicate you, but only God can heal.
Long story longer, I left and moved in with my friend, now sister-in-law for a couple months till I was able to find a place on my own. After another year I met my now husband who, when I first told him the story in the parking lot of our church, said...'um I don't think you are bipolar, please find a doc to get you off of them.' I did the next week and was weaned off withing a few months. The new drug doc I had found seemed very concerned, I don't know if her face always had a furrow but every time she talked to me the furrow became even more intense, I didn't really care why. Once I was off the meds, she said I didn't need to see anyone anymore. That was right before I got married in 2002.
I struggled with post pardon depression after Rachel, but really did not want to get help for it or talk to anyone about it. It seemed to get a little better after we moved to OR, but looking back I think I got even more depressed as I learned what it was like to married, a mom, and broke. Once we moved back to WA, I was at an all time low. Once I started working things got a little better, and then when we were able to get into an apartment of our own instead of living with my mom's now ex-husband things got alot better with me. We then had Owen and I was on an up swing again. After Owen I was working through my fears of perpetuating my experience with our two kids in the same room, same two bedroom apartment set up. In 2011 I searched out a counselor through work for the first time since I got off the Bipolar meds. I started Yoga and really focusing on me and my mental health as I wasn't sure the problems I was facing in my marriage were a result of my pain and past or something else.
The lady I was put in touch with was very compassionate, but had me do exercises that confused me and the coaching I received from her tended to cause more strife in my marriage than bringing us together. Hubby and I started talking to our pastor and meeting with him on marriage counseling. and after the counselor fell asleep while I was talking twice I decided she was not a good fit. The marriage counseling was good, but I didn't feel like the answers were there yet. I talked to a few friends and found out about a group called. 'Learn to Let Go and Grow' by Kitty Jones. I completed the full 3 part course and it answered so much for me. I am a better more whole person because of it. I still have all the material and will look at it again in order when I get to the point where I was back in 2011, if that ever happens.
That brings me to ToDay:
Our new church is offering a discipleship class called 'Recovering Redemption'. I purposefully choose not to take this class. Knowing it would probably deal with some of the heart issues of my past that I am tired of looking at. However, I think God knew I needed it cause when we went to our weekly Bible Study, guess what we are going through....Yup, 'Recovery Redemption'. If you are interested check it out on YouTube>>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcPXNJT_4Nk<<
Why am I talking about this side my story? Well the first 'Recovery Redemption' course talks about the four pillars that help us cope with the fall of Adam and Eve to sin.
1-Ourselves
2-Others
3-The World
4-Religion
Theses are all things we use as coping mechanisms. All different aspects of how I survived to make it to 36 years old. The 'Others' never worked out the way God intended. It can't. I am ok with that. Praise God that He is my healer, my comforter, my helper, my Abba! If you are searching for help out of your situation emotionally...seek God! Others might help direct you or medicate you, but only God can heal.
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