What Do I Want???

I don't have anything to complain about. But I feel empty, lost, alone, struggling to make it to the end of each day. I want to give up and not try anymore. I think, it would be so much easier if I were dumb and played dumb. I wouldn't be expected to do all that I do. I don't know why I feel this way more often than I feel whole and completely satisfied. I then start dissecting the issues I face to see if there is something I can do to improve my circumstances. Is there something I am missing, an unfulfilled promise or a friend I failed to talk to lately, a quiet time with God that would fill in this yearning I am feelings? Can I do something to fix it, to get what I want?

But then I realize I don't know what I want...and the things I know I do want are so big picture is it really worth mentioning? Maybe...

I care so much about people. My greatest skill is knowing how to love people well. I am really good at customer service, because I work for a company that allows me the privilege to love people all day long.

Luckily I found a way to get paid for loving people and keep my morals! ;) However, I am also hurting due to the amount of love I give....why? In all my research, I have found that a person can only love as much as they are willing to get hurt. People can literally die of broken hearts. Here is an article I found: http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/publications/observer/2013/february-13/why-love-literally-hurts.html

Some people say it isn't love that hurts, but the unfilled expectations that hurt. Maybe...I expect rich people to give their money to poor starving people, and it hurts when I see rich people be so callous as to not even look at others in needs. I get that, but what about other forms of love.

When people died in the World Trade Center I was hurt, yet I knew not one single person who died  or was connected to any of the families that lost someone. Yet I grieved along side the world at the huge loss of life. I grieved when I learned of Auschwitz and of WWII, and in many ways still do. I grieve over the loss of life due to school shootings and the war with ISIS and with what is happening around the world. I am sensitive to the hurting at work and of people I have never met. Why???

Is it because I can empathize with the great amount of loss from my childhood trauma? Or am I just made to love people with such fervor?  Are we all made to love with such fervor? Is that why so many are depressed? Because we love so much, but don't know what to do about all the love we feel?

I think I am actually asking more questions than answering them, but maybe that is ok. What do I want??

I want every life to matter.
I want every hurt to be healed.
I want every tear to be counted.
I want everyone to feel a hug-not a little 'nice to see you' hug, but a soulfood hug.
I want every person to know they can change the world.
I want people to be free
I want people to experience joy
I want people to feel loved always
I want people to let go of their anger
I want a world where we share
I want a world that gives
I want a world that accepts without judgement
I want to dream big like Martin Luther King Jr.
    To have a dream, speak it out and inspire a new world vision
I want to save people from themselves and other hurts
I want to see people save themselves with courage
I want to see a generation of kids teaching adults how to be innocent
I want to connect
I want people to want to do the right thing
I want to do the right things
I want so much more than is maybe possible for one human lifetime.

What do I want in my little world? I want my hubby to be happy and fulfilled. I want my kids to learn and grow well. I want my family to know I care so much...I want peace, prosperity, hope, and joy.

I want to love people well. Maybe that is the great Commission? Do what you can in your little world to change the entire world. If we all have the same goals in mind...then coming together should be easy. We get to work through everyday the how to get there.

Maybe what I want can be accomplished by little things...having a good attitude, living by a moral standard, listening more than talking, struggling and testifying, meeting the needs of those I am made aware. Just being me, everyday to the best of my ability.