Broken Testimony

I have told bits and pieces of my testimony, but not everything all at once. I am afraid. Afraid of hurting people of facing the whole thing at one time...at being judged and ridiculed, at being too wild to out there...too crazy.

I guess it is for others to decide...for God to decide. If you don't like what I say you can turn it off and walk away, but if you are intrigued you have the option to keep reading. I am scared as I write this, but I am more afraid of the crazy in me that I can't keep silent that has to be released or it will eat away at me.

My first encounter with God was in Sunday School...my heart was God's right from the beginning. I needed God right from the start. When I found my sis I was traumatized. God changed the way I thought in that moment. Hormones were released too soon as a way of protection. My parents did the best they could with what they had.

My parents were kids themselves and as an only child I helped raise them in so many ways it would take me forever to explain different stories. However I don't think it would do anyone any good.

I was stressed at an early age, bottled up as to not have my emotions be a burden to my parents. I grew up quickly and interacted as a little adult. I talked and paid attention to conversation. I learned how to schmooze and tell people what they want to hear. I learned about what people wanted or missed in themselves that they needed to be encouraged.

I became what my parents needed or wanted, but I lost myself in the process.

I thought that if I became what they needed that was love. If I became the perfect christian, then I could be loved by God. If I became the perfect girlfriend then I would be loved. If I became the perfect friend, then I would be loved. If I became the perfect student then I would be loved. If I became the perfect employee then I would be loved. If I became the perfect mom then I would be loved. If I became the perfect wife then I would be loved. If I became the perfect daughter then I would be loved. If I was skinny then I could be loved. If I was fat then I could be loved. If I was the perfect lover then I would be loved.

I missed the lesson that I am loved unconditionally for who I am. The problem is that I have spent 30 years being what everyone else wants and needs that I never discovered Kathryn.

I have sinned, just like you. I have confessed to God and others, yet I keep beating myself up about it. I am working on forgiving me, but I am ten times harder on myself than anyone can ever be, and if people find out I am a sinner the shame that comes next in barely tolerable.

The lessons I have learned are as follows:
* http://www.babble.com/babble-voices/37-life-lessons-that-will-change-your-life/
* http://www.popsugar.com/smart-living/45-Life-Lessons-Written-90-Year-Old-Woman-34209890

82 Points and hard lessons.

I give power to feel bad about myself...I give power to the selfishness..I give power to the crazy...I allow people to take advantage to please them at what extent? I am tired of being a doormat...I need to surround myself with people that will help me know my value and keep me safe when I feel wild. The issue comes with trust. The more one has been hurt and allowed to give their all to get crushed they loose hope there are good people in the world.

My husband loves me so much because of my wild. Adores my brokenness and welcomes my insanity and makes me make sense to a senseless world.

I have a few girlfriends who totally relates and are willing to still be my friend despite my crazy. They know hurting people hurt people unintentionally. Lord knows how many bridges I have burned over the years of not realizing the impact of my hurt impacting those around me. Even if the intent is always for good...if you are taught wrong you do wrong.

I hope and pray I am better for my kids. I don't want to pass on my sick to them...I pray for them daily and try. Maybe that is enough...maybe.

I have modeled the sin of my parents...worked through tons of badge to get to this point in life. Of not being a zombie, of embracing my human-ness my broken-ness and maybe that is the ultimate lesson. If you know the length and depth of the sin that needs covering then you can give that same length and depth of grace to others. Make the world go round people!