Stupendous Mom or Inadequate Mom?? Part II

Awhile back I was contemplating this topic of being a super stupendous mom who does it all or an inadequate mom who doesn't seem to get it right.

Read it for yourself: http://katshel.blogspot.com/2013/03/stupendous-mom-or-inadequate-mom.html

I feel like that ALL the time. This tug-of-war of what is good and not, and why. I just watched, "Parental Guidance" with Billy Crystal and Bette Midler. http://www.parentalguidancemovie.com/ What awesome grandparents! I hope I can be like that someday, but even they struggle with this tug of war. I don't think I am alone in this struggle. To work, or not to work. To say "no" or to "think of the consequences". To get a "village" or to "Lone Ranger" parenting.

When I am honest with myself and with my parents, I didn't like how my parents did everything. I don't think they liked everything they did, or while we are at it, what I did. Parenting is the HARDEST job ever. We are Skill Transfering, Mentoring, Correcting, Loving, Passionate, Impulsive, and do the best we can with what we have.

I love it when Joyce Meyer says, 'If ask someone for a glass of water, if they have water they will gladly give it to you, but what if they don't have a glass or water. They can't give you what they don't have.'

If you are out there and you wondering to yourself, like I am, "Self, Am I a good Mom?" they answer is "YES". Why?? Because we are asking the question. We are doing EVERYTHING we know how to do to keep our kids Safe, Happy, Healthy, Educated, Loved, and Skilled so they can lead the next generation and so on.

Matthew 6:34 "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day had enough troubles of its own."

Have you felt like this, when you compare yourself to others? I know I do. That  is why the Bible say, 'Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else.' Galatians 6:4 But before this verse Paul says, 'Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.' Galatians 6:2

So when you see a mom who has it all together, instead of asking if she can do more, ask why. Ask if you can make her family a dinner for the evening, or come over and fold laundry with her. Ask her if she felt completely inadequate, or completely stupendous, before you put her on a pedestal of perfection. I know I need that some days when my 9 year old has been disappointed all day, and my son just wants to be held and it was the first time I had sat down after a busy day. Or when the mountain of laundry covers my whole King size bed and the mountain has been sorted and folded and put away Every Night of the Week.

I say this not only to you, but mostly to myself. I am a stupendous mom, because I care so much about being one! Because I LOVE my kids and husband soooo much.  Because I try, and when I fail, I try again and again. Because when the going gets tough I turn to what God says about my job.That "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13 and in Proverbs 31:10-31 A wife of Noble Character that when I am in Him, "Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:" It is funny, but perfection is never mentioned in that Epilogue.

OutDoor Dos

I am all certified to take kids out to the wilderness! :) It was a fun weekend!

Lots learned and gained. Hopefully some new friends too!

I seem to come away from things like this with more questions than when I came into them. Some may think this is a good thing, it is annoying to me. 

I slept so well outside though and really tapped into that long lost love of the outdoors. It is hard for me to get outdoors for some reason. I am looking forward to taking the girls hiking and camping as they get older! This summer we are planning on going to a Yurt! Stay tunned for pictures :)

Victorious, Free from Sin and Death once more

There have been many times in my life where I have sought forgiveness from God, but this last week is the first time in my life where that place around my heart is shining with light, instead of being black with pain and anger. I feel truly free from the wages of sin and death.

I felt like a catus wanting a Hug desperately, and my name was Victim.

So what changed?

I made a choice. We all have to make this choice. Sometimes this choice comes to us only once, sometimes multiple times, if we are lucky. This choice is whether or not we are going to die to our sins and take up the cross and follow Christ or stay where we are; angry, in pain and holding everyone around hostage to pay for the injustice life brought.

A wall of Pride was blinding me from seeing the unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, and contempt I had been holding since I was >5 years old. Slowly and Gently my God brought me to a place where I could see it. I choose to give Him my pain, my anguish, confess my unforgiveness, my pride, my anger, and my contempt. In place of those things, which were killing me from the inside out, I was given Peace, Grace, and Abounding Love.

The Victim died, as the wages of sin is Death:

And in it's place, a new name:

My sister-in-law once said she had a vision of me. That God gave me a sword of Truth, piercing the heart of the demon of Lies and bringing all truth into the light whether it be good or bad.

In the story I told of my sister's death, I briefly mention the sweet soft voice in my ear.: http://katshel.blogspot.com/2013/01/my-sister.html

It was more than a voice. The wall I put up prevented me from seeing the picture of Jesus in the room as I asked Him to be there in my fear. Jesus came and held my hand, put His hand on my shoulder and held me that day. Hung out with me on the couch and was there for my parents. He allowed me to see how my sweet dad had been lost in his own fears of being the lone responsible adult with his dead child. Oh the pain my dad must have suffered with the feeling of failure crushing him at every turn. The cycle of abuse satan used to Kill Steal and Destroy with the fuel to the fire of injustice cycling through family after family all continuing till I made a choice.

I say this not with a hot head or with pride in my heart, but with a heart of gratitude for where God brought me from.

God choose me intentionally. God loves me, made me, is there in the pit with me holding my hand. God is changing me right in front of you.  God is changing those around me as I continue to make the choice.

Psalms 139, Romans 8:31-39, Jeremiah 29:11, Psalms 91:1

God knew what his was getting when he made me. With all my weaknesses, and all my strengths and I am choosing to praise HIM and give HIM the glory for the work he is doing in my life.

NOT-Fun Topic (Abuse)

What is the definition of Abuse?

There are three areas: Mental, Emotional, and Physical. There are 122 different types in Wikipedia.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abuse

I have to find a way to define what abuse means to me. It is hard to define Mental and Emotional because they are ambiguous.

Here is my list of Abusive words I identify with and feel I have experienced as well as their definitions for clarity of my meaning:

* Coercion (pron.: /koʊˈɜrʃən/) is the practice of forcing another party to act in an involuntary manner (whether through action or inaction) by use of threats or intimidation or some other form of pressure or force, and describes a set of various different similar types of forceful actions that violate the free will of an individual to induce a desired response. These actions can include, but are not limited to, extortion, blackmail, torture, and threats to induce favors. Such actions are used as leverage, to force the victim to act in a way contrary to their own interests. Coercion may involve the actual infliction of physical pain/injury or psychological harm in order to enhance the credibility of a threat.

* Emotional blackmail is a form of psychological manipulation - it is "the use of a system of threats and punishment on a person by someone close to them in an attempt to control their behavior".^[1] "Emotional blackmail... typically involves two people who have established a close personal or intimate relationship (mother and daughter, husband and wife, sister and sister, two close friends)."^[2] When subjected to emotional blackmail, "we become the other's emotional hostage." As Jean Baudrillard puts it: "If you don't give me that, you will be responsible for mybreakdown".^[3]Emotional blackmailers use fear, obligation and guilt in their relationships, ensuring that the victim feels afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and feeling guilty if they don't: indeed Forward and Frazier invent the acronym FOG, standing for Fear, Obligation, Guilt - feelings which often result from being exposed to emotional blackmail when in a relationship with a person who suffers from a personality disorder.^[8]

I am not sure why I put this in here, but I related to it somehow. 

(Fear(survival)-induced pre-emptive aggression

According to philosopher and neuroscientist Nayef Al-Rodhan, “fear(survival)-induced pre-emptive aggression” is a human reaction to injustices that are perceived to threaten survival. It is often the root of the unthinkable brutality and injustice perpetuated by human beings. It may occur at any time, even in situations that appear to be calm and under control. Where there is injustice that is perceived as posing a threat to survival, “fear(survival)-induced pre-emptive aggression” will result in individuals taking whatever action necessary to be free from that threat.)

* Aggressive anger

The symptoms of aggressive anger are:

• Bullying, such as threatening people directly, persecuting, pushing or shoving, using power to oppress, shouting, driving someone off the road, playing on people's weaknesses.
• Destructiveness, such as destroying objects, harming animals, destroying a relationship, reckless driving, substance abuse.
• Grandiosity, such as showing off, expressing mistrust, not delegating, being a sore loser, wanting center stage all the time, not listening, talking over people's heads, expecting kiss and make-up sessions to solve problems.
• Hurtfulness, such as physical violence, including sexual abuse and rape, verbal abuse, biased or vulgar jokes, breaking a confidence, using foul language, ignoring people's feelings, willfullydiscriminating, blaming, punishing people for unwarranted deeds, labeling others.
• Manic behavior, such as speaking too fast, walking too fast, working too much and expecting others to fit in, driving too fast, reckless spending.
• Selfishness, such as ignoring others' needs, not responding to requests for help, queue jumping.
• Threats, such as frightening people by saying how one could harm them, their property or their prospects, finger pointing, fist shaking, wearing clothes or symbols associated with violent behaviour, tailgating, excessively blowing a car horn, slamming doors.
• Unjust blaming, such as accusing other people for one's own mistakes, blaming people for your own feelings, making general accusations.
• Unpredictability, such as explosive rages over minor frustrations, attacking indiscriminately, dispensing unjust punishment, inflicting harm on others for the sake of it, using alcohol and drugs,^[21] illogical arguments.
• Vengeance, such as being over-punitive, refusing to forgive and forget, bringing up hurtful memories from the past.

I just read all the symptoms of Passive anger and they describe everything that I have been doing in my life:

Passive anger can be expressed in the following ways:

·         Dispassion, such as giving someone the cold shoulder or a fake smile, looking unconcerned or "sitting on the fence" while others sort things out, dampening feelings with substance abuse, overreacting, oversleeping, not responding to another's anger, frigidity, indulging in sexual practices that depress spontaneity and make objects of participants, giving inordinate amounts of time to machines, objects or intellectual pursuits, talking of frustrations but showing no feeling.

·         Evasiveness, such as turning one's back in a crisis, avoiding conflict, not arguing back, becoming phobic.

·         Defeatism, such as setting yourself and others up for failure, choosing unreliable people to depend on, being accident prone, underachieving, sexual impotence, expressing frustration at insignificant things but ignoring serious ones.

·         Obsessive behavior, such as needing to be inordinately clean and tidy, making a habit of constantly checking things, over-dieting or overeating, demanding that all jobs be done perfectly.

·         Psychological manipulation, such as provoking people to aggression and then patronizing them, provoking aggression but staying on the sidelines, emotional blackmail, false tearfulness, feigning illness, sabotaging relationships, using sexual provocation, using a third party to convey negative feelings, withholding money or resources.

·         Secretive behavior, such as stockpiling resentments that are expressed behind people's backs, giving the silent treatment or under the breath mutterings, avoiding eye contact, putting people down, gossiping, anonymous complaints, poison pen letters, stealing, and conning.

·         Self-blame, such as apologizing too often, being overly critical, inviting criticism.

·         Self-sacrifice, such as being overly helpful, making do with second best, quietly making long-suffering signs but refusing help, or lapping up gratefulness.^{[citation needed]}

WOW!! So Really I have been so angry for so long and adopted all these to express it. Moving on...

* Rage (often called fury or frenzy) is a feeling of intense or growing anger. It is associated with the Fight-or-flight response and oftentimes activated in response to an external cue, such as the murder of a loved one or some other kind of serious offense. The phrase, 'thrown into a fit of rage,' expresses the immediate nature of rage that occurs before deliberation. If left unchecked rage may lead to violence. Depression and anxiety lead to an increased susceptibility to rage and there are modern treatments for this emotional pattern.

* Spiritual abuse: Spiritual abuse occurs when a person in religious authority or a person with a unique spiritual practice misleads and maltreats another person in the name of God or church or in the mystery of any spiritual concept. Spiritual abuse often refers to an abuser using spiritual or religious rank in taking advantage of the victim's spirituality (mentality and passion on spiritual matters) by putting the victim in a state of unquestioning obedience to an abusive authority.

* An insult is an expression, statement (or sometimes behavior) which is considered degrading, offensive and impolite. Insults (sometimes called "cracks" "remarks" or one-liners)^[1] may be intentional or accidental.^{[citation needed]} An insult may be factual, but at the same time pejorative, such as the word "inbred".

* Lie: To lie is to deliver a false statement to another person which the speaking person knows is not the whole truth, intentionally.
 The discoverer of a lie may also be convinced or coerced to collaborate with the liar, becoming part of a conspiracy. They may actively propagate the lie to other parties, actively prevent the lie's discovery by other parties, or simply omit publicizing the lie (a secondary lie of omission).
When one lies, one undermines trust in society.

* Blame is the act of censuring, holding responsible, making negative statements about an individual or group that their action or actions are socially or morally irresponsible, the opposite of praise. When someone is morally responsible for doing something wrong their action is blameworthy. By contrast, when someone is morally responsible for doing something right, we may say that his or her action is praiseworthy. There are other senses of praise and blame that are not ethically relevant. 

* Victim playing by abusers is either:

• diverting attention away from acts of abuse by claiming that the abuse was justified based on another person's bad behavior (typically the victim)
• soliciting sympathy from others in order to gain their assistance in supporting or enabling the abuse of a victim (known as proxy abuse).

It is common for abusers to engage in victim playing. This serves two purposes:

• justification to themselves – as a way of dealing with the cognitive dissonance that results from inconsistencies between the way they treat others and what they believe about themselves.
• justification to others – as a way of escaping harsh judgment or condemnation they may fear from others

Another word I found I identify with:

Learned helplessness is the condition of a human or animal that has learned to behave helplessly, failing to respond even though there are opportunities for it to help itself by avoiding unpleasant circumstances or by gaining positive rewards. Learned helplessness theory is the view that clinical depression and related mental illnesses may result from a perceived absence of control over the outcome of a situation.^[1] Organisms that have been ineffective and less sensitive in determining the consequences of their behavior are defined as having acquired learned helplessness.^[2]

In the learned helplessness experiment an animal is repeatedly hurt by an adverse stimulus which it cannot escape. Eventually the animal will stop trying to avoid the pain and behave as if it is utterly helpless to change the situation.

This is all I could find on what Abuse means to me and how I have and are affected by the repercussions of abuse in my life.