Fat and Happy?

I have a problem with food. I can't hide it, cause no one is blind. I can change it, but I am struggling with how.

When I was in 4th grade, I was overweight. The kids made fun of me and I developed quickly. I slimmed out by 9th grade, once my body figured out how to function after puberty. It also helped that my mom and I were broke. By Senior year I was about 160 lbs, and considered heavy for my height at 5'5. I went off to college and gained the freshman 20.

Then I moved in with my dad, and got a medical exam. I was told that I was WAY obese at 180lbs, my cholesterol was through the roof and my blood sugar was over 200. I was told that if I didn't loose  weight I was going to die before I turned 30. At the time I was 20.

I was put on a version of what I was told was a diabetic diet. One serving of carbohydrates a day, three meals, no snacks. Some days if I had done something wrong, I got one meal. I walked one hour 6 days a week, and was followed to make sure I was actually walking. I was screamed at to go faster as I was being followed now and then if I had done something wrong....like not cleaned the bathroom well enough or whatever. I lost 35lbs in 3months and was 145-150 for 21/2 years.

I found out that the stats the doctor had given me was a lie. During the same time I was told that I was bipolar and put on Depakote  I was taking about 1500mg/day for about a year. When I met my hubby, which is another story for another day....he helped me get the courage to go seek out a doctor to help me off of the Depakote. Then I gained 100lbs.

I gained the 100lbs to make someone mad. It worked, but at what cost? Now, I have this mindset that eating is treating myself. It is taking care of me, comforting, and when I start to loose weight I get this anxious feeling that comes along with fear....anger...the people around me suffer.

How do a change this mindset. I know how to loose weight. I know more about nutrition, and health than anyone I know. So it comes down to the mind set and I don't have the answers to this one.

My goal is to outlive my parents. Today, 2/3 I am 5'6 and weight 278lbs Obese, borderline Diabetic, cholesterol high. I am sedentary. I joined a yoga class once a week, that I love. I love Jillian Michaels on the Biggest Losser. The only time I heard anything close to an answer for my issue was when Jillian invited her mom to her podcast....I know the answer is out there. I am going to look, trust that God will direct me, heal me and keep you posted.