Battle Scars

 https://youtu.be/4ka1Lgd3SAI?si=5eUKDSzsThcsMC8n

It has been nearly 5 years since I wrote anything. I haven't been able to. The hurt and pain from my dad, the divorce, and trying to figure out what I am doing with my career, not to mention figuring out how I should be as a single mom has consumed my every thought and action. 

The divorce nearly destroyed me. I don't think I would have gotten through it if it wasn't for the show 'Dexter'. I did kick boxing at Round9 in Bothell for about a year while I worked out some of the anger I felt. I still have the boxing gloves and bring them out on bad days. Spar with the wall and try to play with my kiddos. It helps.  

If you clicked on the video, it should take you to a music video. The song was written from the perspective of a love relationship between two people, in my case this song is about my dad and how I feel today, 2/26/2024.

The longest story ever: I was born on 12/20/197something. To two parents who were in their early 20's. My mom was on birth control at the time, so it was a miracle I was even conceived. My dad wasn't working and couldn't hold down a job. They were living in a trailer, in the plains of Bozeman MT. They were two very broken people from alcoholic homes. 

In the 80's there was an opportunity for my dad to work at Boeing, so they packed up and moved to Burien WA. Where they rented a house and had another baby. They were members of a Christian cult and when the baby died and I was still alive they tried to figure out what to do with themselves and with me. Eventually my dad moved to the Renton plant. My mom worked about a dozen various jobs while I grew up. We moved into a new house and that is really when the trauma with my dad begins.

See, my dad is a bipolar rapid cycle depressant. What is that you ask? Here is a link: https://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/rapid-cycling-bipolar-disorder

 From PreK to 8th Grade I changed schools every 2 years. From 0-14 years old, my dad was unmediated. During my impression-ate years my examples of how to deal with emotions was from my dad. My mom didn't know what to do or how to help. My mom was scared all the time. The amount of PTSD she has to this day is not something I can even imagine. I finally convinced my mom to get away from my dad after his second suicide attempt. My mom and I moved into an apartment and I changed schools to finish High School. 

That is when my mom had to file a restraining order against my dad and I stopped seeing him till he could prove he was stable and medicated. I started going to therapy weekly. At 16 I reopened the door to my dad by starting with seeing his therapist in family counseling. I decided to go out to see him for christmas and met his new wife. By the time I graduated from HighSchool we had a functional relationship. I went to Montana State University in Bozeman. Had worked out that my dad was going to provide me funds monthly to support me while I went to school. I received ONE support check. 

My dad and step mom would call me weekly to check in on how I was doing in college and try to convince me that they just couldn't afford to support me. Then it turned into, they were convinced I was also bipolar. I ended up moving to Spokane WA after that first year at MSU. My dad then told me that I needed to get 5 psychiatrist to write letters to him with a report to him that I was not bipolar Or they would put me in a 90 day psychological evaluation. I finally felt the fear my mom had of my dad, and it grew as my dad said he would disown me if I didn't move into his apartment with him and his wife. 

I was faced with a decision to never talk/see my dad again or try. I decided to try.

I moved into their apartment and enrolled in Shoreline CC. I worked full time in addition to going to school full time to finish a degree. They took me to 3 more psychologists for evaluation till they were able to find one that put me on 1500mg of Depakote. 

DEPAKOTE ER and DEPAKOTE are also used to prevent migraine headaches. DEPAKOTE ER is also used to treat acute manic or mixed episodes associated with bipolar disorder with or without psychotic features. DEPAKOTE is also used to treat manic episodes associated with bipolar disorder.

 They had me clean their house once a week. Pay them rent money. I had to submit a weekly budget report of every cent I spent and if I chose to spend my money on something they didn't approve of, I would have to add that to my rent. I was only allowed one meal a day. I had to walk for one hour 6 days a week. I tried to get them to walk with me, but they wanted to follow me in their car and yell at me out the window that I was fat and lazy, I needed to walk faster. 

I had to attend Westgate Chapel in Edmonds every week, as well as go to all youth group events and bible studies. I also had to go to Sunday School for whatever class they thought I needed. If I didn't engage in the classes or in worship I was punished. My dad told me I wasn't allowed contact with my mom anymore, so I had to break off that relationship completely. Dad lied to me about historical events. Told me my mom cheated on him and gave him a sexually transmitted disease. The actual factual is that my dad cheated on my mom with women from his therapy. 

Finally, at 22 I moved into my own apartment away from them. We stayed in contact, but they stayed mad that they couldn't control me. I got off the Depakote with a therapist's help. I got married and had two babies. I asked Denise to help me with the babies and watch them. That was a nightmare because they thought I wasn't a fit parent. Tried to take my kids away from me. Still convinced I am bipolar.

During my divorce I told my story of their abuse. My dad was embarrassed by the truth and decided to write a letter to the court/me that I was attention seeking and yes, bipolar. 

On Jan 1 2017, I boldly knocked on my dad and step mom's house and had a two hour conversation with them while they tried to explain that it was my fault he wrote the letter to the court. I made it clear that I was his only daughter and if he wanted a relationship with me he would have to do better. I told him that I loved him and my step mom, but I will NOT be abused any longer.

That was the last I heard or saw of my dad and step mom till June of 2023. I got a call from Denise (the step mom) from the hospital asking me to come and get her. I didn't have my dad's phone number or even know what hospital she was at. I asked and she started yelling at me telling me that she just saw me yesterday and asked me why I was lying to her. I offered to call and go see my dad to see if we could work something out. I received a text message that I was to stop taking calls or communicating. So I stopped.

Then one random evening on a Sunday at 10am the door bell rings. It is Denise, asking to come in to have a chat. I let her in and my kid have an hour long conversation with Denise where she tells us she is not allowed to use the phone and shouldn't be driving because she has 3 different types of cancer on top of her uncontrolled diabetes. That my dad doesn't know she left the house and was talking with us.  

There were 6 more visits after that. No call to schedule, no warning. I let her in every single time until this last visit on 2/22/2024.

On Saturday this happened:

2/24/2024

Dear R Michael Spears and Denise Spears/Snook,

I wrote you a note on 2/14/2024 expressing that I would like to be contacted if you would like to set up a meeting. Since that time, you have stopped by my house three separate times with no regard to my request.

I have asked if we could set up a time to talk with no response. After you came to my house after 8pm on 2/22/24 and you expressed surprised to find that I lived there, you handed me an item that you asked I give to Rachel/Robin. As you walked away to your car I asked for you to come in so we could have a conversation, but that request was refused. I took the initiative to come to your house on 2/23/24 at noon. I was surprised that you answered the door in your underwear. I asked what would be a good time to come back to have a conversation and was told 4pm would be great. I came back to your house with salmon, flowers, and a candle. I was told that you didn’t want to see or talk to me. That you were done.

I left the gifts at your door.

I don’t understand why either of you feel it is acceptable behavior to come to my house, my daughter’s school, and not listen or allow me or my children to set boundaries. It feels incredibly disrespectful and narcissistic. This letter is a precursor to a restraining order.

Please do not contact me or Rachel/Robin or Owen again. Please do not attempt to come to my house or either of the kid’s schools. If this action occurs, I will file a formal restraining order with the court. Due to the history both of you have with stocking and abuse there is just cause.

Thank you.

Kathryn Sheldon

 There is a video of the interaction, but I can't figure out how to get it at this moment. I will update later this week. 

On Sunday, I called the crisis line and sent the letter/video to the Monroe Police.

To say I am angry and hurt is the understatement of my life to this point. The battle scars from my dad will never heal or go away or stop. I truly do not understand why my dad can't love me. What have I done so bad to be treated like this?