What Do I Want???

I don't have anything to complain about. But I feel empty, lost, alone, struggling to make it to the end of each day. I want to give up and not try anymore. I think, it would be so much easier if I were dumb and played dumb. I wouldn't be expected to do all that I do. I don't know why I feel this way more often than I feel whole and completely satisfied. I then start dissecting the issues I face to see if there is something I can do to improve my circumstances. Is there something I am missing, an unfulfilled promise or a friend I failed to talk to lately, a quiet time with God that would fill in this yearning I am feelings? Can I do something to fix it, to get what I want?

But then I realize I don't know what I want...and the things I know I do want are so big picture is it really worth mentioning? Maybe...

I care so much about people. My greatest skill is knowing how to love people well. I am really good at customer service, because I work for a company that allows me the privilege to love people all day long.

Luckily I found a way to get paid for loving people and keep my morals! ;) However, I am also hurting due to the amount of love I give....why? In all my research, I have found that a person can only love as much as they are willing to get hurt. People can literally die of broken hearts. Here is an article I found: http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/publications/observer/2013/february-13/why-love-literally-hurts.html

Some people say it isn't love that hurts, but the unfilled expectations that hurt. Maybe...I expect rich people to give their money to poor starving people, and it hurts when I see rich people be so callous as to not even look at others in needs. I get that, but what about other forms of love.

When people died in the World Trade Center I was hurt, yet I knew not one single person who died  or was connected to any of the families that lost someone. Yet I grieved along side the world at the huge loss of life. I grieved when I learned of Auschwitz and of WWII, and in many ways still do. I grieve over the loss of life due to school shootings and the war with ISIS and with what is happening around the world. I am sensitive to the hurting at work and of people I have never met. Why???

Is it because I can empathize with the great amount of loss from my childhood trauma? Or am I just made to love people with such fervor?  Are we all made to love with such fervor? Is that why so many are depressed? Because we love so much, but don't know what to do about all the love we feel?

I think I am actually asking more questions than answering them, but maybe that is ok. What do I want??

I want every life to matter.
I want every hurt to be healed.
I want every tear to be counted.
I want everyone to feel a hug-not a little 'nice to see you' hug, but a soulfood hug.
I want every person to know they can change the world.
I want people to be free
I want people to experience joy
I want people to feel loved always
I want people to let go of their anger
I want a world where we share
I want a world that gives
I want a world that accepts without judgement
I want to dream big like Martin Luther King Jr.
    To have a dream, speak it out and inspire a new world vision
I want to save people from themselves and other hurts
I want to see people save themselves with courage
I want to see a generation of kids teaching adults how to be innocent
I want to connect
I want people to want to do the right thing
I want to do the right things
I want so much more than is maybe possible for one human lifetime.

What do I want in my little world? I want my hubby to be happy and fulfilled. I want my kids to learn and grow well. I want my family to know I care so much...I want peace, prosperity, hope, and joy.

I want to love people well. Maybe that is the great Commission? Do what you can in your little world to change the entire world. If we all have the same goals in mind...then coming together should be easy. We get to work through everyday the how to get there.

Maybe what I want can be accomplished by little things...having a good attitude, living by a moral standard, listening more than talking, struggling and testifying, meeting the needs of those I am made aware. Just being me, everyday to the best of my ability.

Finding Being and having Couple Friends

Hubby and I are a couple, duh! Our first year of marriage was figuring out each other. We lost sight of our close friends and we became each others close friend. Then we had the baby...so we were focused on raising our baby and integrating our extended family into our little close family. We then moved and moved again, had another baby. Leaving us with each other...and our babies.

I think there comes a point in any long lasting relationship when your partner, who is what you need daily, starts becoming annoying. There comes a point where you feel so comfortable with the other person that they are part of you...an extension. All that God made marriage to be. However, one finds oneself in need again. Not just your friend, not just their friend but a couple that you can share life and issues with.

We have had a few couple friends since we have been married. The first couple friend we had hurt our feelings as they could not accept our past was our past and not our present. Since then we have been leery of finding another couple friend to hang with. We went to small groups with church and found a few, but most are so busy, or we just don't click and it is difficult to get together. One day long ago, we found our besties....I won't use their names to protect them. Our favorite couple, we play games, talk, go on vacations, help each other with our kids, and just do life together. We have some similar interests, but we always have a shared faith.

The funny thing about having a couple friend is that the person you find yourself to be with your mate, may be different than the person you find yourself to be without your mate. The key is to find the couple friend that both of you can enjoy. I find that I see sides of my mate when we are with our friends that I don't see anywhere else. All of a sudden that annoying thing he does when he sighs when he gets interrupted vanishes and he becomes tolerant because the conversation is stimulating. Maybe the wife of the couple sees the sigh and calls your spouse out of the annoying thing he does and all of sudden you have a voice about that annoying thing that you couldn't have voiced before cause it would have cause the argument or discussion to escalate. I find that I may actually like my mate afterall, as you see him open up the way he did when you fell in love with him...or her.

If you have been married for more than 5 years and you don't have a couple friend, I would highly suggest looking for one. Maybe this is something you have never considered before, or even known that you need it, but I would say it is vital for a healthy thriving marriage. Find a couple to do life with and you will find your life doing well as you go along. Just like any friendship it takes work...from all sides. If one spouse is engaged with a couple and the other is not, then they are not the couple friend that will work. Both need to be willing....and you may find that you click with only one person of the couple you try to befriend...as long as you are willing you may find you get something new you didn't expect out of it. You get what you put into it and vice versa.

I have found that if hubby and I are having a hard time and arguing about every conversation we have and then go and visit with our friends, all of a sudden the argument seems silly and we are able to see what each of us were trying to say from the others perspective. It takes time and patience, but it is well worth it. Both hubby and I feel better after a good visit over dinner and few laughs...we get what we need from people that are not with us everyday slugging it through the trenches. They are slugging through their own trenches. We as a couple can empathize with that slugging, relate, let the other couple know they are not alone. It is nice to just know that your experience is not isolated, that there are other people doing life right along with you, struggling with the same things, and even sometimes arguing about the same things. We are iron sharpening iron and that is what fellowship is all about!

Tonight I pray for all the couples struggling out there. Contemplating the bid D word (divorce) and pray that they seek a couple friend to walk along side them and know they are not alone. That the fight to stay together, is worth it. Don't give up, a blessing is just around the corner!