It is all about ME!!!!!

Why is it that when I am hurting....people can't cope. They feel they either have to fix me...blame someone or pity me....but they don't stop till I smile at them. Why???? Why am I not allowed to be hurt, mad, sad, angry...and all the other negative emotions??? I don't get it. I coach people that hurting people hurt people....so when I get hurt they are all surprised that I hurt them!! What!?!?!

 Today I got hurt. I jumped to conclusions and my feelings were damaged. My husband did an excellent job lovingly encouraging me and giving me time to process. Currently I am not at home with the kids and hubby, but sitting on the beach writing out my pain...as this is how I process...watching the sunset on the water. There is a lady getting prego shots in the water complaining it is too cold.

Anyway...I diverge from talking about myself...where was I? Oh yes....my hurt feelings. Somehow as I expressed my hurt feelings the person who hurt me, they got the idea to tell me and expressed how I hurt them....and I found myself apologizing to them. WHat!?! Yes, somehow....it wasn't about me and how my feelings were hurt it was all of a sudden about them....so I found myself apologizing to the person who hurt me instead of them apologizing to me. This is not the first time this has happened.

?????

My co-workers tell me I am the most kind person they have ever met. That I am gracious...and 'one of the good ones!' When I get mad at my co workers or the business or whatever....they laugh and say, 'go get em Kat'! Once they asked me for my worst insult.....you stupid gross mean person you is all I could come up with. I have actually said this to a customer after being totally verbal abused.  So negative emotions are not my norm. I get the impression that I am so nice I am like a rich chocolate piece of cake....too much of me and you get an icky stomach. Take me in small portions and you will learn something about yourself and about me. I find the good in everyone.

So what am I missing?? Am I a doormat? A pushover? I know I am a people pleaser, and I care too much about things. So I tried to enact the I DON'T CARE attitude this week too. What I am finding is the more I say that I don't care, I find I am passionate about whatever it is.

Maybe it is about Psalms 18: 24-27??? 'The Lord rewarded me for doing right. He has seen my innocence. To the faithful you show yourself pure. but the the crooked you show yourself shrewd. you rescue the humble, but you humiliate the proud.'

Maybe it is none of this and I am just crazy...this is possible. The end of the conversation was this...I just hurt myself...I could have asked before I took offense. I could have let it roll off and figured that is just the way this person is. I could have done alot of different things other than crying about this situation all day...but I didn't!!!

Nope...per Romans 9:20-22----I am who God has made me...that is that.---thank you Romans 9:20-22

'No, don't say that. Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, "Why have you made me like this?" When a potter makes jars out of clay, doesn't he have the right to use the same lump of clay to make one jay for decoration and another to throw garbage into? In the same way, even though God has the right to show his anger and his power, he is very patient with those on whom his anger falls, who are destines for destruction.'

Thanks for letting me work through my emotions...read...don't...IDC hahahah I am tired of being upset.

A time for Everything

Have you ever found a friend walk away or your partner yell at you for being rude, or a perfect stranger look at you randomly like you were a crazy person, and you have no idea why or what just happened that would cause these reactions??

That has been happening to me more and more lately. I don't know if it is a shift in my perception or that of everyone else. Since more than one person around me has this reaction...I believe it is me, but I don't know!

I posted before about how people have told me I am rude or self centered. See the following:
http://katshel.blogspot.com/2013/07/question-of-day.html

I have also talked about not caring what other people think of me.
http://katshel.blogspot.com/2013/10/what-other-people-think.html

Today I am struggling with not caring how other people see me. Today I am sad that I may have lost not only one friend but a few others, and I have no idea why. I am sad that my husband finds my truth that I speak out as rude. I am sad that I may not be teaching my kids the correct politically correct thing to say. I am not writing this all out to find a magic fix or entertain you...ok maybe to entertain you a little, but I write this to in hopes of finding someone who relates to me.

I am a white middle class lady, who doesn't have it all, but is not on the street either. I am blonde hair blue eyed, and overweight. I am stereo typical, average. I don't stick out of the crowd too much, but tend to lead and be a trend setter in my own group. I have been labeled a typical blonde who is oblivious to most things, I don't get all the blonde jokes straight away, but I do have a knack at learning quickly, being efficient and saying it how it is. I don't wear a face mask...what you see is what you get.

That all being said, the battle over my mouth is still real and present. The struggle with viewing my actions through others peoples eyes while I am acting or speaking is beyond me. I have determined over and over again that if you have a problem with me it is not my fault...it is yours. However, that mentality. That thought process, still leads me to a place of sadness when I loose a friend, due to their own issues with me that they don't feel comfortable sharing. The pain of isolation due to the words I speak or the actions I complete that I think are kind, necessary, or needed doesn't go away.

I am a people pleaser...I want to make people happy, I want people to like me for who I am...I want closeness, and realness with people. I want to love people where they are at....even if that means they don't want me in their life anymore. I pray today for forgiveness, for healing, for growth, for judgements of others to ease, and love to endure. I pray for grace and peace that passes all understanding, and a hope in a future that is beyond my imagination.

Jeremiah 29:11 and Ecclesiastes 3

My past Meets my Future

I have talked alot about my past in this blog and hope to one day put it all together and make into that best selling novel that never was.

I have talked about my sister in; http://katshel.blogspot.com/2013/01/my-sister.html. The church I grew up in; http://katshel.blogspot.com/2013/01/new-year-looking-backway-back.html. Abuse; http://katshel.blogspot.com/2013/05/not-fun-topic-abuse.html and some of the reasons for my weight issues that stem from the abuse; http://katshel.blogspot.com/2013/02/foodweight-issues.html.

This last week I had the opportunity to share with a friend, and found in the aftermath that the adversities my hubby and I face are quite significant. I am going to attempt to tie it altogether for you, and hopefully give you a picture of my perspective.

Last night as I lay my head down to go to sleep we started this episode; Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman-Is poverty Genetic? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pP4ihwmY-DQ

The bible also talks about the sin of our fathers will be passed to the children in Deuteronomy 5:9. Why? Well, if you teach and model sin to your kids, they will also sin and it goes on and on. Just like in the study of poverty being genetic...we pass down what we don't know as well as what we do know.

When I was in my 20's I was so angry with my parents as I blamed them for screwing me up. I think most people in their 20's go through this stage as you transition into full fledge adultism. Part of it could be the sins of my fathers, but part is how he grew up and how his father grew up and so forth. There is a reason the bible is filled with genealogies dating back to Adam and Eve. There is something that stirs us to find out about where we come from...there is a website now and there was once a show on tracking down your roots....you can google it.

Hubby and I come from divorced homes, and we saw all the fighting, and turmoil from two people who couldn't figure out how to love each other. We saw sin in our formative years, and I have trama from my childhood with bouts of PTSD from what I have seen and heard and lived through. It is only by God's unlimited Grace that I am not addicted to anything, in jail, on the street, and have a great job, with a husband who has been through the same things, and experienced the same Grace.

Our lives right now, is a giant experiment on a grand scale to see if we can raise two kids that love the Lord and can grow up with more happy memories than painful ones. If they can finish college and be in a higher financial class than we were able to achieve...to live the American Dream: "a set of ideals in which freedom includes the opportunity for prosperity and success, and an upward social mobility achieved through hard work." When hubby and I were married, God gave us a word that our marriage, and that of his sister was the Generational Sin Breaking Marriage. See all of our parents, and grandparents and so forth have suffered through divorce and remarriage. The fracturing of family after family has been passed down.

My job, my hope, my life is to bring peace, and wholeness to my family. My past and my hubbies past have to be reference points to learn from as we discover the Grace that God has for us and our kids. Hubby and I have mountains of adversity to overcome as we walk through life together, we are survivors, victors, and by Grace we have been saved.