1000 miracles

I have been challenged to number the miracles in my life. To count all the ways God has guided me through. God has pulled me through, carried me, surrounded me.This is hard.

I can think easily of all the ways I have been hurt, damaged, betrayed, cut down, but thinking of all that I have done right. Well that is taking me more courage than you can imagine.

I read all the Hunger Games' books and have recently watched all the movies with my little tween daughter, and I relate so much to Katiness Everdean, it is not even funny. I have battled just like her, killed just like her, cried, screamed, hungered, been thirsty, loved, been torn, but all in the confines of my head. Not allowed to express emotion until it is overflowing and I can't hold back the damn anymore. Is that courage, when you show your emotions or suicide on a different scale? The very last scene of the very last movie is what has got me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUxVMszS_6E -It is only two minutes, but this is the challenge/game.

Let me count: My nanny was there with the best musical instruments. My best friend growing up with her long beautiful hair taught me how to have fun. My Sunday school teacher, who came to my birthday party and gave me my first bible that I still have today. My grandma who gave me 'Freddy the fall Leaf' and read to me late into the night, who quit drinking the day I was born. Who gave me my first teddy bear. Who took me shopping all the time! My grandma who taught me, 'Take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place.' My mom who could always cuddle, sing to me, make me cry and sooth at the same time. Who took care of me every time I was sick, which was ALOT. My mom who taught me how to walk in someone else shoes. My dad who taught me the value of money. Who showed me how to see past the surface of every person. Who taught me about emotion. Community who brings me hope in the human race. Giving without knowing, sacrificing without being seen. My youth group leaders who prayed with me and for me. Who taught me how to love God before I love a man. Who taught me every song I now sing when no one is around to hear as I memorized every note and every word deep in my heart that now pulls me from the ashes and tells me I am ok. For the scams that come as blessings when I get 5 free Disney movies and 10 free Dr Sues books for 30 days. The smile from the lady who hands me my coffee on the rare day I go out. The friend that sees me in the corner of the room and encourages me to the middle. The manager who wont let me sit in the corner, but puts me in the middle of the room for everyone to watch me, knowing that just maybe I might shine now and then. The endless teachers and daycare workers who hug my kids when they skin their knee in my place or wipes their tears when I can't.

That is all I can do today. It is not 1000, as just by this little list I am too overwhelmed to continue counting.

These days are hard to get through. I count every minute I close my eyes and every minute till I can do it again. Getting up, going to work, trying to get through a single day feels like I climb a mountain and I am exhausted at every turn. I wait for everyone to tell me I am doing it wrong. I am not turning left when I should or jumping when they say boo. I wait for the rug to be pulled out from under me at any time. I feel drained and empty, anxious for all the wrong. I am in a purgatory of sorts. I can't go back, I can't really go forward, so I wait on God. I am still and know He has every string. Somehow I trust that as He brought me this far, there must be more.

There is a song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNbX1kQJTbs -'I will find a way' Jason Gray.

May God find a way in this darkness.

What I know and what I don't.

Maybe the title should be changed to what I don't know and what I might know.

I don't know if I am as strong as people say I am. I know that I wake up everyday and try my best.
I don't know if I will actually change the world. I know I will do my best to change myself.
I don't know if I am a good mom. I know I try really hard to make a good life for my kids and protect them.
I don't know if I am lovable. I know I love deeply.
I don't know what will happen each day. I know that I will go to sleep at some point every night.
I don't know why people do what they do to others. I know that I care about everything I do.
I don't know if when I wake up the world will still make sense. I know it may not have to.
I don't know what I don't know. I know I am willing to try and learn.
I don't know where I will be in 6 months or a year. I know that I will still be me.
I don't know who will be with me in the end. I know that those who matter will be.

I might know that if you put the wrong oil in and engine, you can take it out. I might know how to follow a recipe, I don't know if it will be good. I know that I can follow really well, I don't know that I can lead. If I do lead I don't know where I will end up. I do know I will be able to tell you why.

An inspirational speaker I follow on FaceBook says, 'know your worth.' I don't know my worth. I don't know that my pain will be used for God's glory. I know it hurts, deeply. I know that what I have been through, isn't the way it is supposed to be. I don't know that I will never truly understand the way it is supposed to be. I don't know if I will ALWAYS struggle to such a level. If the storms will keep raging. I know that I can weather more than the average.

I want to know what it is like to live without fear.

I know that there is so much more to face. I know that I have a long road of healing ahead of me. I know that I have been controlled to the point where I have disassociated myself from reality in order to survive. I know that I am broken. I know that I look and crave the brokenness in others that I recognize in myself.

I know what I could be, what I want to be, but I don't know how to get there. I don't know what scares me more; seeing what is broken in me and not knowing how to fix it or revealing my brokenness to everyone for people to see. Maybe they already know and see. Maybe that which I seek and crave people are also seeking and craving.

In a world where hurting people hurt people can we allow ourselves to be vulnerable about what we know or don't know? About what we are scared to face or scared of what we face? Can we in all our brokenness cling to the brokenness in others and just be.