Be Gentle- Self!

This week was the most stressfull week I have had in a long time. Today, I was looking foward to getting to this box that is over a week behind. I found out about a case that was rejected with no one contacting me about it, and ended up sending an email to all of the managers in the department it belongs...venting my frustration, only to learn that the customer had messed with his account and the account was not ready so the rejection was justified. After work as well as while I was cooking dinner, I was beating myself up. Why??

I was justified in my frustration over my case being rejected...and so was the person who rejected the case. Just like the person, they did the best they could with the information presented to them, as I was with the information presented to me. I am justified in my frustration of not being able to get to work that is really behind, but I handled over 50 emails today. I sent the reports ontime and got orders out that were vital before the weekend. I took phone calls, made calls, and was able to meet and exceed expectations. I did the best I could...so why am I beating myself up??? People at work are coming to me for advise, complementing me...and making me blush! So I asked myself tonight...Why is it that I am not letting it go??

Well I had gone to God to help me understand...I went to my hubby...so where else do I turn?? Oh, google of course!! Low and behold...there was my answer; http://www.essential-practices.com/gentle.html (click the link) 

I am addicted to beating myself up. Just like a drug or alcohol addiction I am addicted to self deprecation. If I want to grow and attrack all that I want in life, I need to learn self validation not deprecation!!! Easy to say...hard to do for someone who has been doing it since she was tiny. I can't tell you where I learned it from or why I learn it, but somewhere somehow I learned the art of taking the blame for everything. 

There was a school shooting today, and I didn't know anyone involved, but I know people that have been affected by it. Breaks my heart...but I found as I go back in my head over the day that I probably was blaming myself for that too somehow. I was in the mode and I became an easy target as I was so focused on fixing and damage control that I wasn't taking those thoughts captive and setting boundaries up. If you read the whole artical, it is kinda long...it goes on to talk about how it is killing me. How this process stops me from being able to sleep, digest, and process putting me in a fight or flight response. 

I don't want to die from beating myself up over these little things. So the answer...write it out. It helps to write out how I feel, and work through it. If you read this regulary you see that happen over and over again as I grow. I don't really care what you think as long as it makes you think of how you handle things in your own world. Joyce Meyer talks about the battlefield of the mind. This battle is just as intense as taking a drink for an alcoholic. 

Self, you did a good job today! You worked hard, you overcame obsticals, you pointed out areas of opportunity, and didn't walk away. You were on time, you communicated and now it is time to put those things aside, and hug your family. Enjoy your kids, your house, and all that God as provided you. Pray for those who may be struggling with the same things you are, and let God have it!!

The good ol' days

What is the definition of the good of' days for you?? Recently my High school years have come up more and more in conversation. I don't think I talk about my high school years very much. For most people high school and college years are the best time of people's lives...they look back on those years with fond happy memories.

As we may have established in previous posts...I am special. My high school years were hard. When I was 14 my dad was really manic and my mom was really scared of my dad. Mom and I moved into an apartment...Eagle Point Apartments. At that time I was feeling as though it was good new chapter for me. It started out that way. I went to a new school met new friends and a boyfriend.

We fell in love, that first love kinda feeling. I couldn't eat couldn't sleep, wanted to be with him all the time. The first time a boy treated me nice!! I had Bo's in jr. High....there was Justin, Jeremy, and Aiden. I was also rapped in jr. High....but the boy who did it bragged to the whole school that I was just a slut so it was a very bad situation for me. Shortly after the rap, I had some stomach issus and had my appendix out as well as a huge cyst. I was out of school for like a month...to come back to all the rumors, so going to another school was a good thing for me too. However, having a boyfriend proved to be a little nerve wracking.

                                                

He proved to be a bad news bear for me. He taught me to smoke, and we were really close. He ended up moving to FL for my Sophmore year and called me to let me know he got a girl pregnant. I was over him after that call. I worked and was going to school, helping mom pay for the bills. Then he came back the summer before my Jr year of High School, and I was under his spell. I overlooked all the cracks I had experienced and felt and took him back. However, after a few months he hooked up with my best friend at the time. The day he told me there was an affair going on he went in and made out with her in front of me.

I lost it. The insanty and pain from loosing my dad, him, my mom to some degree. The stress of all that had happened to me to this point in my life made me crack, and I literally lost my mind. If it was not for Tiffany...I don't think I would have been able to make it through the night. I broke that day.

After that time, I looked for love in all the wrong places....and got involved with a Cowboy Gang called the CCC. The basis of the CCC was/is horrible and I am ashamend I was part of it even in some small way. I thrust all that I was in to God's hands and started working at Miracle Ranch Alot...it became my sancuary, my escape. I went to college while in High School, which is common now, but a new concept in those years. I got most of my AA and experienced a new group of people getting me away from the old group of people that I lost myself too.

The good ol' days are not so good for me. Today I am the happiest I have ever been. I am finally secure, emotionally and physically in life...with my one and last partner... my hubby in the best years of my life!!