Vulnerablity

For the last 10 years hubby and I have shared a car.

If you have never shared a single car with your spouse, let me tell you it is an adventure in learning to communicate on a whole new level. We had worked the same shifts, close to each other and carpooled. We did everything together, and have lots of good memories from that time.

This fall, things changed. I talked a little bit about the change coming in a recent blog post, but the impact could not be foreseen.

1st change, new schedule for me. I wake up at 4:45am, get ready and head out the door by myself to work-then come home-get the kids-do homework-dishes sometimes-laundry sometimes-make dinner sometimes-relax sometimes-fill out papers for school-pay bills-make appointments-walk-then eat dinner, watch a little tv, read, then sleep to do it all over again. I am walking twice as much as I was before and eating less than I have before.-YAYA for that!!!

2nd change, new car. My very own zip zip. I love it!!

Now the emotions of it all: I feel Free-I feel powerful-I feel good about me. This is a scary emotion for me. I have been trying to figure out why this is scary for the last week or so and I have come to this conclusion.

I don't want to loose my caterpillars-but I can't stay one any longer. I told my friend a few months ago, that when I look in the mirror I don't see the girl I feel like I am on the inside. My friend so wisely stated, 'she is in there you just have to get to know her better, and then the outside will match the inside beauty you are.' The last week I have started to like the outside-I have started to see the inside match the outside. I have to trust and believe that the caterpillars will find their cocoons in their time and will become butterflies and we can all fly off together into the sunset. The perfect ending-the happily ever after.

This is what I tell myself when I get scared now. I become vulnerable-I shout from the roof tops-'hey look at me, I am scared, but doing this anyway'. If people want to gather to see my fly good on them-if not I am still going to fly-because it isn't about them...it is about ME!

I have this board on Pintrest-Good Quotes-everyday I pin a new quote, but only the ones that inspire me to be better than I was the day before. I am learning how to love me:

If I want to change the world-I have to learn how to love me. It is not a pride love, not a selfish love, it is a learned love of who God made me to be-complicated, weird, powerful, sexy, and interesting.

I look forward to conversations with other butterflies out there-who are willing to risk being vulnerable. None of us get out of here alive, so lets find a way to heal together-to talk.